As Long as I'm laughing with you

The theme this week at www.iheartfaces.com is Bust A Gut


This was the first full wedding I ever shot at (second shot with a friend) and I couldn't get enough candids of this bride and groom. They were absolutely adorable and you could just see the love that they shared.

While photographing other subjects the bride was dancing to her carefully selected (and totally awesome) playlist and the groom laughed at her, which made her laugh in return. I snagged this shot and adore it!

Kyle David Payne

At 4:20 AM, my baby boy will be 1 year old.

I've always meant to sit down and write my children letters, my account of their lives, from day one. But like all too many things, I always put it off.

Today, I'm not putting it off.

Approximately ten days after our wedding, I started having pregnancy symptoms. Most people wouldn't notice these things, but with it being my second pregnancy, I did. And, I'm the nerd that read and researched pregnancy as much as I could; I absolutely love it.

My symptoms were bleeding gums, fatigue, and an increased sense of smell..
And then, I craved coffee. And I hate coffee.
That same day, when I got home from work, Hallie came up and rubbed, and then laid her head on my belly. And that is when I knew.

There was a pregnancy test in the bathroom closet, leftover from a friend that had lived there before, so I took it, on a whim.

I didn't have the best timing.. Nathan had ran to the store to get a few things for breakfast, and up until this point we hadn't even suspected a pregnancy. So, when we walked in the door, and I pulled the digital blue test out of my pocket.. he was surprised to say the least. And then, he went back to buy another test, just to be sure.. hahaha.

This day was so different than the first time we became pregnant. It was less scary, more happy. We were finally independent this time, getting ready to make the move to our first duty station. We were married, and we knew we would face less hardships.

We moved, without telling anyone our news, because we had already sprung a marriage and a 1000 mile cross country move on them. And then, we kept it to ourselves until we had gotten our first ultrasound.. which took a few weeks because of the way the army goes.

My pregnancy was amazing. I had no real sickness or problems. I was tired, but that was the worst side effect.

I didn't show quickly.. I gained less than twenty pounds, and kept myself and Mr. Kyle healthy.

me at 7 months

At the time, I didn't know what I was having. I chose to not find out. It wasn't easy, and my husband didn't make it easier. He knew, and he liked to be a brat lol. He would leave the revealing ultrasound picture out, neatly folded, just trying to tempt me into finding out. Surprisingly, he didn't slip up.

Hallie was a good big sister from day one. She loved to lay on, poke, and kiss her 'bubba'.. yes, she called him Bubba before we had ever seen a doctor. I'm telling you, kids' instincts are amazing.

this is Hallie and I, about 5 days before labor

My pregnancy flew by, and before I knew it, I was in labor. Actually, I was in pre-labor. For the better part of November 16th. Knowing this would be our last day as a family of three, we spent it with Hallie, at the park. Walking there helped my contractions progress, and I will always cherish that time with my then, only child.

Finally, at around 9PM, Nathan forced me to head to the hospital. I was more concerned with cleaning the house, because I wanted everything to be perfect.. But he eventually made me go.

Hallie stayed back with Abi, Jessie, and Arabella, and she had so much fun, even though she missed us very much.

Hallie and Arabella lol

I had heard many not-so-great things about the hospital, but my experience was pretty good. I did spend some time waiting for a room, which was okay with me. When I finally got into a room, it was really late. They let me roam the hallways, and use a birthing ball. I planned on using the jet tub, but ended up not. 

Nathan thought it was fun to take pictures of me on the birthing ball, trying to breath through the contractions

At this point, my water had been broken, I was dilated 6cm, and the contractions were getting stronger. Apparently there was a shortage of epidural pumps, and the nice nurse hid one for me, when another department tried to take it. So, I decided to get that process started when things got more intense. After a bag of fluids, and what seemed like an eternity, and a game of 20 questions, I was able to get an epidural. Sadly, it kicked in long enough for us both to doze off for a few minutes, and then I awoke to pressure. 

I remember waking up, not even realizing I had fallen asleep, and wondering if I should call the nurse. I didn't want to wake Nathan if it was nothing.. After a few minutes, I knew I had to call the nurse, and quickly. The same thing happened with Hallie, and they waited too long, and ended up running equipment down the hallway. Actually, Dr. Voegtle was suiting up as I was pushing her out. So, I called the nurse without waking Nathan. It took her only a couple of seconds to realize that our baby was well on his way. 

The midwife came in immediately, and helped me get into position to push. I loved having a midwife, because he let me do my own thing. There was no counting, no telling me when or how to push. I remember being told that I was the one that knew my body, and to do what my body told me to.

Literally three pushes later, we were parents again. Sleepy, confused parents. I still didn't know the gender of the child I had just pushed out, and Midwife Johnson wouldn't tell me. He laid Kyle on my chest and I literally had to see for myself. It was wonderful, and I remember having to look twice to be sure. 

It happened so fast, it was hard to grasp. Nathan actually became ill, and had to steal the nurses from me ;). 

It was completely different than Hallie's birth, for which the waiting room was filled with our families, and my mother accompanied Nathan and I in the delivery room. It was nice though, I enjoyed the intimacy. 

It didn't take long for the nurses to wrap my big baby boy  up, and hand him to me for our first bit of bonding time. I loved being left to ourselves, and not rushed. 

Kyle ended up weighing 8pounds, 10ounces, and was 21.5 inches long. 

He was a stinker from the beginning, refusing to wake up or eat for about 24 hours. It was the scariest day of my life, and I remember feeling like a failure. I breastfed, and Hallie had no problem eating from the very beginning. Come to find out, a lot of babies do this, and my tears and frustration were unneccessary. Once Kyle began eating, we started a nursing relationship that lasted 11.5 months. I absolutely loved that bonding time with my son. 

Hours old, and feeling great!

Anxious to get home, we left the hospital after 30 hours. I walked out in my pre-pregnancy jeans, and I felt like a champ! Hallie was so excited to meet her baby brother, and to have us home again. 

As soon as we sat down, Hallie joined us and grabbed my arm. Sweetest moment ever. 

Kyle had his first visitors a few days later, when my parents made the trip to see us. 

It didn't take long for Kyle to start growing up. At two weeks, he was 10pounds, 1ounce. And the shennanigans began shortly after. 

Kyle kept up with his growing, and they both kept up with the bonding. Kyle was into six month clothes at two months. The thumbsucking began quickly, and stuck. 

Kyle is now 28 pounds, and very tall (Hallie's height, I'll have to check tomorrow for a measurement). He and Hallie still play so well together, and still find trouble together. 

I am so blessed to have such a happy, healthy son. He is growing and learning everyday. 

             

6 months

9 months

12 months

Happy birthday Baby Kyle. Mommy and Daddy love you so much.

Let them be little

The theme this week at www.iheartfaces.com is Let Them Be Little

I tried to do a session with my loves today.. posing them and taking the picture isn't the easiest thing in the world and they have minds of their own. For once, I sat back and tried a different approach to their pictures.

I managed to get this shot of my beautiful daughter.

She was actually looking down because she was tired of listening to me, but I love it.

There is beauty in the simple innocent ways of a child.

Publish Post
I don't need a perfectly posed fashion model, I just need to let her be little.

Tickled Pink

The challenge this week at www.iheartfaces.com is tickled pink..

I chose this photo because of the pink background and because of the look on miss Kenslie's face.

Always a pleasure to photograph my loved ones.

Happiness

"People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." -Abraham Lincoln


I'm not happy about having my husband gone.. Obviously. And I've tried to make myself as happy as can be the last six months. Sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to make the best out of a bad situation - which I guess is true. I was recently called out on some of the things I'm doing 'to make myself happy' and when I tried to defend myself, I realized how completely wrong I have been in the ways I've tried to find happiness.


And then it hit me - there are different kinds of happiness.


What used to make me happy, doesn't any more.
What makes you happy, may not make me happy.. and visa versa. 


On the surface, it doesn't take much to make me 'happy'. 
A nap, carton of Ben&Jerry's, bouquet of flowers, or a new outfit are all easy ways to make me happy.


But with these things, the happiness fades away. 
When the ice cream is gone, flowers are dead, and the outfit isn't so new any more.. that high is gone. 

To be honest..

More than a glass of wine never leaves me with anything more than a headache and an empty feeling. 

My boys B&J leave me feeling fat and wanting to run.

Nights out usually leave me tired and thinking I would've been just as happy home with my kiddies.

Hanging out with friends makes me happy, but where I was once happy with going to a party, I am now happy with a playdate, or a lunch date. 

There are things that I hate to do, but I know will make me happy later..
Like running, passing up that dessert, or going to school. 




Then there are the things that will make me happy as long as I live. 
Being a good mother, wife and friend makes me happy, in one of the purest ways.

The tickling, giggling, snuggling, and laughing with my children will always put a lasting smile on my face. And the memories of this will last even longer.
The dates, inside jokes, and now phone calls and letters from my husband make my heart smile.
89 years of marriage, cooking dinner, and supporting my husband will make me happy. 



I have two beautiful kids, a stable home, and a beautiful life. 
I have a handsome husband who consistently shows me the true meaning of love; He knows every thing about me and still loves me, even when I feel unworthy of him. He is putting himself aside in a way I can't even fathom, to be sure that we all have safe happy lives here. 
I have a wonderful family, even if they are sometimes a little crazy.
I have great friends, even if they aren't the ones I always thought would be there. 




And even with these happy things in my life, I sometimes feel like I need more.




I sometimes see these people, and I can almost feel something radiating from them.. Something special, and I can never quite put my finger on what it is. Something always pulls my attention to it, and I want it; Whatever it is, leaves me feeling like I am lacking something. 


In the past I have tried to fill this void with a slew of other things - each leaving me a little more empty than the last. 


Finally, I have realized that I am looking for; What these people have.



What I don't have is the assurance of everlasting happiness. 
I don't wake up each day knowing that I am living my life in the best way that I can.
I don't wake up and feel comfortable with the thought that this day could be my last.
I am not where I want to be spiritually, and this is what I am missing out on.


I don't want to be just a good woman, I want to be a Godly woman.
And I don't want to just be happy with myself, I want to lead a lifestyle that will please him.

These are the things that will make me eternally happy. 


I have realized that there are many different kinds of happiness, and different ways to get there. 


Some are temporary, and some come after the fact. 
Some are genuine.
And one is eternal. 


And I need and want all of these, in some amount.


I want to be surprised with flowers occasionally.
I want to indulge in ice cream and wine in moderation. 
I want to keep up with my friends, even as the type of friendship changes. 
I want the satisfaction of finishing school and being physically fit, even if it isn't always easy.
I want good relationships with the people I love.
I want my family to continue to blossom, until I can sit on my porch with my husband and marvel over the accomplishments of our grown children. 
I want to be a better person, and I want to build a relationship with God now.
I want to help my children and husband build their relationship with Him.
I want to be the family that prays together, attends church together, and stays together. 


I want to be happy, in every way. 


Now that I can see my goal, I'm ready to go after it. 

Defining moments

When I look back on my 20 years of life, there seem to be certain bullets on my timeline.

Some typical, like getting my first dog (Wishbone), and riding without training wheels for the first time (because my dad tricked me..)
Some not so typical, like the first school dance my sophomore year, or my camera falling into a lake.

This thought process began because
One year ago today, my oldest brother got married... on a lake. And right after the ceremony, a family member knocked my camera into that lake.
At the time, it was more of an aggravation than a defining moment. I was 8 months pregnant, and obviously wanted to have a camera to be able to keep
everyone updated on the kiddies once we headed back to New York.
At the time, I thought this camera was wonderful, and I was so sad because of the untimely death. I wouldn't have purchased a new camera anytime in the
near future.. unless another 'tragedy' struck.

But because of all of the life changing events coming up, we decided to spend a little bit extra and get a better camera. Nothing too fancy, a lower line
Canon Rebel. At the time, I had no idea what DSLR's were capable of, but it seemed like a good investment for our growing family.
Today I use that camera to keep my husband up to date with the growth of our children, and for my photography.

As the one year anniversary of my camera's death approached, I realized how much that single accident has affected my life in the last few months. I developed a love for something new, something that pushes me to challenge myself, and something that helps me pass the time with Nathan gone. My temporary love and a hobby that I can pour my whole heart into throughout this year.

I started wondering to myself how things would be different if that one accident didn't happen.

How did such a trivial event become a 'bullet' on my time line, and what other events could be considered the same?

So, here they are.. Some of the things that have influenced my life; Most of which were thoughts that never came full circle until today.

There are big things like:
Having my beautiful, wonderful, amazing children .
Marrying Nathan, moving to New York, and making some amazing friends and experiencing new things.
All of my years of dance and extracurriculars that led me to be confident in and comfortable with myself,
created friendships and bonds, and led me to one of my biggest role models.
The divorce that resulted in my best friend moving.
Mistakes that have given the opportunity for forgiveness, helping my marriage to grow.


Silly things like:
The job change/move that ended the relationship with my 'first love' lol..
The NSYNC and Spice Girls dance parties and red bull nights that bonded me with my BFF's.
Fighting over boys, only to realize they weren't as important as we first thought.


And the random, crazy little things like:
The myspace message that started my marriage.
Needing help with luggage and meeting a great new friend.
A long ago lock in where I met two other very special friends.
Small town run-ins that refresh old friendships.

Anyway..
I enjoyed remembering most of these things today, and it will give me something to ponder

Does each small action really have the potential to change a life?
Does everything really happen for a reason beyond our control, or do we have some/all of the power to control our own destiny?
And if so, how much say do we have in the  matter? 
Scary, exciting, nerve wracking, and exhilarating thoughts..

If I

I haven't blogged at all during this extended vacation (way extended lol).

The reason for the lack of blogging is mainly this:
I'm an emotional mess nowadays.

We're now into month 6 of this deployment (can you believe it?!) and things just seem to be getting harder; crazier.

As much as I hate it when people say 'You just don't understand', that has been my main thought this vacation. 

Maybe it is because I'm emotional. Or maybe I'm emotional from this constant frustration. Or maybe it is because I'm away from my fellow army wives - or battle sisters.

While I don't feel the need to justify myself to anyone other than my husband, I find myself wanting to scream these things at people. 

So I'm going to do it. 

Right here.

If I...

*Seem emotional, I am. And each blackout, casualty, KIA, and day that passes without my husband makes things a little harder.

*Am more blunt, or open about my thoughts and feelings, it is because I have learned to be. I have learned to not hold things in, because I never know when it will be too late to say what I was thinking. 

*Want to end each day on good terms with those I care about, it is because I've gotten used to the thought that each conversation could be the last.

*Look like this is easy, that's because I'm trying to make it look that way. 

*Sometimes let it all out, whether in a positive or negative way, to those close to me it is because I am sick of trying to be strong for everyone else.

*Look at my phone too often, it is usually because I haven't heard from my husband in days, and I'm either checking to see if he is online, refreshing my email, flipping through pictures, and just wishing I knew what was going on.

*Act like I can't wait to get home, it's because that was the place I have lived with my husband for the last year as a family. It is where my memories are, where my life is.

*Shop a lot, well, that is because it makes me feel better. Right, or wrong, it helps.

*Look like I've spent a lot of time with friends - I have. Believe me, I would much rather be with my husband (no offense) but I can't have that right now - and I can't see these friends often. 

*Look like I've been crying, I probably have been. And I think I have plenty of reasons for that. 

*Seem like I've changed, I have. Think back to where you were 6 months, or a year ago. People change, and just because half of my heart is missing, doesn't mean I'm an exception to that.

*Put more effort into looking good, that is because I like to feel good. There are days that I want to do nothing but lay in bed and have a pity party.. But I can't do that. Every day, my life has to go on. I have to keep up with two kids, and if I am no good to myself, I cant be good to them. It is amazing what a shower, nice outfit, and makeup can do for a bad attitude. 

*Close myself off sometimes - I'm not doing it to hurt anyone. I just know that most people won't know what to say. Some days there is nothing that can be said, and it saves us both frustration. 

*Don't ask for help, it is probably because I wish I didn't have to ask.

If I seem to do things you don't agree with, that is okay. 

If you don't think I'm a good wife, be glad I'm not married to you. 

If you can't handle me at my worst, please don't be around when I'm back to my best.

I am nowhere near perfect, and I know this. But please, please, don't feel like it is your place to try to figure out what I am doing, or why. 

To be honest, things are a mess in this head of mine, and unless you've walked a few miles in my new shoes, there is no way you can begin to navigate through this jumble of emotions.

My simplified life plan

Plan A) Make no mistakes, and never hurt anyone. 

Plan B) Realize that plan A will sometimes fail. And when it does, be strong enough to be honest, apologize, and move forward. 

And when on the other side of this, be strong enough to forgive.

 

Through all of these changes, there are a few things that remain constant. 

My love for my family, and my heart are two of these.

The biggest thing I wish people would remember is this..

No matter how many different our lives our, we all have these things in common.

We all have someone we miss, things we wish we hadn't done, and personality flaws.

So here it is, I've admitted that I am a mess, I make mistakes, and I can be a little crazy.

And this is me saying I'm okay with that, and if you matter, you will be too. 

Hidden Eyes

The theme this week at iheartfaces is Beautiful Eyes.

I feel like I'm bending the rules here, but there is no rule saying the eyes in this photo must be open.

This picture was taken at a wedding, the wedding of one of a couple you could totally tell was in love.

In this shot,I think their closed eyes make the picture. I love how their smiles and pure bliss are shown all the way up to their eyes.

Memory

Tonight, I am organizing my photos, as well as getting rid of a bunch of files.

I can't help but wonder why the same can't be done with actual memories.

It has been twenty weeks since Nathan left. Twenty weeks of living on memories. Some good, some great, some that I wish I could delete altogether, and some that I shouldn't want to keep.

And yet, they're all there. Especially the ones that I want deleted.
But I can't, or I haven't found a way to yet.

As much as I hate dwelling on the negative things in the past, I sometimes can't help it.
Things as simple as a friend wondering aloud how someone is doing, bring these memories rushing back. And then my stomach starts to churn, and my anger builds. This brings on similar memories, and suddenly things are spiraling out of control. I'm in a bad mood, and my day is ruined.

So what do you do then? What do you do when the bad seems to outweigh the good?
I wish I could cheat my mind into forgetting the negativity, but then the present would be a lie.
A fresh start sounds appealing, but there are some things I don't want to forget. And even then, I'm not sure humans are capable of 'fresh starts' because of the way we remember things.

It is hitting me tonight that each small decision in life in some way has a much larger impact in the long run.

Why are some memories so much stronger than others?

What do you do when you can't/don't want to forget?

And what do you do when you don't know what to do?

Change - A necessary part of life?

It's 1AM and I'm blogging. Because I feel like I have to. I feel like I have to get this out.

At some point while I was running tonight, we get on the subject of moving. And then a song (which I now can't remember) came on about change.

Change seems to be the story of my life lately. Not big changes.. well, other than the blonde hair (big change for me).
But little things.. from drinking coffee, finally giving in to the iPhone trend, listening to different music..
And then bigger things... like dressing differently, changing our home decor (and hopefully getting a larger home)..
And then the biggest thing: Being able to make these decisions on my own. Being able to do everything on my own.

I remember moving to New York. Technically not my first move, but it was the first move that was more than down the street. And I remember joining Nathan 20 days later and arriving to a car, house, furniture, and dog that I did not have 20 days prior.

It was kind of exciting, and it kind of sucked.
None of the changes were bad, but they were still changes. Changes that I didn't take part in, and they took some getting used to.

So remembering this, adds one more struggle to this year long list.

It is too early to even start thinking about the end of this, but I already know that it isn't going to be easy. It will be another one of those 'joys' of deployment that gets thrown in as an extra.
RANT- People don't realize that there is oh so much more to this year than the big D-word. It is more than just a year  of the obvious: being apart, missing your spouse, and a year of being alone. There are so many other emotions that come out of the woodwork - for example: guilt.

As if coming home after taking part in a war isn't hard enough, it will only be the beginning of the end. Nathan will also have to adjust to living with the three of us again. He left a 4 month old, and a 23 month old.. He will be returning to a 16 month old and an almost 3 year old. When your entire life consists of 3 years, this one year away from your parent accounts for 1/3 of your entire life. Obviously they will have to get to know each other again.
From the developed personality, and eating habits, all the way to schedules and routines..
These things are inevitable. But add to them all of the changes I have been making.. Just the thought makes my head spin.

On one hand, I feel like it is a good thing that I'm still living life as normal as possible.
On the other hand, I feel guilty. Guilty and selfish. For putting myself first and making the changes I want to make. For not putting my life on hold for a year. For causing additional changes above and beyond the inevitable ones with the kiddies.

Not all of the changes (or really any) are negative changes. In fact, I feel like I have grown so much.
I can now change a fuse in my car (which I need to do AGAIN) and the simple fact that I can open up about my feelings is a huge change.

I fear that my husband will feel like he doesn't know me. And that he may not like me as he gets to know me again. Or that he will resent me for the things that have changed.

I fear that being alone is becoming too easy, or that I am getting too good at it.

Tonight, I am blogging instead of sleeping because I fear that these changes could result in a change between us.

Now that it has been said aloud (well, typed) I feel a little better, and not like a crazy person with irrational fears. I hope they end up being irrational.
And now, to pray like hell before heading to bed.

Please tell me I'm not alone.

You Don't Get It

I couldn't count the times in a day this phrase runs through my head.

Before I begin, this is not, in any way, me complaining about my husband.

The last time I spoke to Nathan, I got news I didn't want to hear. A platoon in their company has recently switched places with his platoon. In the first weeks, they have had a difficult time, and quite a few injuries. One of the more serious injuries, is of a man I don't know, but Nathan does know well.

So. Many. Emotions.
Part of me is relieved it isn't his platoon, and it seems like they got out of there just in time.
Another part of me hates that part, because I wish it wasn't happening to any platoon, any soldier, any family.
Part of me is angry, that someone so young, with so much ahead of them have can have life change so quickly.
Part of me is afraid, because I know this is one of the realities of war.
Part of me aches, because I can't be with my husband to comfort him .
Part of me is proud, that there are people willing to sacrifice these things for our freedom.

Needless to say, the last two days have been hard. And needless to say, none of my hometown friends get it.
I know how people get angry at those words, but they are so very true.

This is what I mean, when I say you don't get it.

1) My husband is away, for a year.
Yes, I know that boyfriends, fiances, and husbands can have to leave for reasons other than war.
And no, I'm not saying that people don't have a right to miss others.
Absence is hard, whether it is for a day, week, year, or a lifetime.
But.. before you come complaining to me about missing your boyfriend this weekend while he is vacationing, use some common sense.
Before you tell me how long that is, realize that I already know.
4 Seasons. 52 Weeks. A calendar of holidays and birthdays. A child's first year of life. 365 days. 8760 hours.


2) This means that I am alone.
Yes, I knew this would eventually happen. And once again, any time without your love is lonely.
365 days of doing everything on my own.
Little things, like taking out the trash, changing tons of diapers, and cutting the grass.
Big things, like running a household, and taking care of two children..
Things that are taken for granted, like hugs, cuddling, encouragement, shopping trips, dates, or eating dinner together.
I can't call my husband when I forgot an item at the store, when the car is acting up, when I've forgotten something at home, or when I'm having a bad day.
I don't know when my husband will call, or that we won't get cut off mid-sentence because of a tragedy.
I do know, that we have went 10+ days without communication - which doesn't bother me as much as the reason that he isn't able to call.

3) He is in constant danger.
Yes, the world is a dangerous place, and tragedies happen everywhere. But most people don't spend every day wondering what kind of danger their love is facing.
A year, could be a breeze. A year long vacation - I'll miss you.
A year long deployment - I'm wondering if I'll miss you for 12 months, or a lifetime.
Every knock at the door - my heart ends up in my throat.
Every unknown phone call - I'm afraid to answer, yet know I have to.
Going on vacation, means packing up my husband's will, along with a bunch of other legal documents and notifying our FRG of my temporary address, incase that dreaded visit needs to be made.
It means wondering each day, how I would handle that visit, and trying to prepare myself for the ultimate worst, while still praying for the best.

It is true, that I knew what I was signing up for. When we married, I knew Nathan was going active duty, and that deployments were inevitable. But like every situation in life, there are so many things that you can't even imagine.. until you are thrust into said situation.

So, when I say you don't get it, I'm not trying to be rude. I'm only trying to save myself from the frustration that comes when you turn white and don't know what to say when I tell you we've received a red message, and explain to you what that means. When I'm snappy or cranky, I'm not being a bitch. When you catch me crying, and I tell you that I'm fine, I'm not trying to hide anything from you.

Finally, this isn't my pity list for you to feel bad at what I'm going through, and this isn't some competition to see who has it worse. It is a reminder that everyone - military, civilian; teenager, or senior citizen - is going through something. Everybody has bad days and is entitled to them without having to explain the reasoning to others. And just as you don't know what I'm going through - I don't know what you may be going through.

Empathy and mutual respect are the keys.

H20!

Holy heatwave! We are so not used to the heat and humidity down here. I want my NY weather back!

Anyway, we have been spending a ton of time at the pool - which I don't mind at all.

So when I saw the photo challenge this week on iheartfaces.com I was so excited to take some fun water pictures.

Instead, I decided to submit this photo. I absolutely adore it just as I do every picture my kids take with their Daddy Dolls.

While I think this picture is cute, I think it is a billion times more sweet. We hope you could feel us cooling you off, Daddy, all the way in Afghanistan.

Who Says?

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path." 
— Paulo Coelho

I found this quote as I was searching for the love quote I blogged about last.

Lately I've been frustrated. Frustrated with the past, and frustrated with others.

I sometimes feel as if I'm watching a movie, most often a horror movie, and screaming at the screen.
Don't do it! That's a bad choice! You're setting yourself up to get burned!

While I feel like there are some definite do's and don'ts in life, who am I to judge what is right or wrong for another person?
Not only is it not my job, but I don't need the stress of worrying about others.

It is like the John Mayer song, Who Says.
I mean, really.. Who says I can't dye my hair, have a drink, or go out with friends?
Who says I couldn't get a boob job or have another child? (which I didn't, and I'm not..)
Who says I can't buy a new outfit or splurge on a pair of shoes? (which I did)!

Not only is today the day to stop worrying about other's opinions of me, and justifying my decisions to those who need no justification..

Today, is a fresh start. A day of letting go of the past, and trying my best to not judge others because they make decisions I wouldn't.

Today is the day I end the unnecessary negativity in my life.
This means not gossiping, speculating, or feeling superior because my life choices differ from others.
It means appreciating the variety and difference of the other people in my life.
And most importantly, it means being a better friend to others, the way I wish they were to me.

Maybe this will come full circle.

Maybe, just maybe, 

Love.. And trees?

I passed over this quote days ago, and liked it. I didn't think twice about it at the time, and even now I couldn't tell you where I saw it at. Yesterday I found myself desperately searching for it, although I didn't remember most of the words. I can't explain why I wanted so badly to find it, and even more I can't describe the luck that it took to find it again. But, here it is.


Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two. 
-Quote from Captain Corelli's Mandolin


Those of you that have been followers for awhile already know all about my views on love.. but for those of you that don't, here is a quick recap.
I believe that love, true love, is a decision. Not one that you can make lightly or quickly, but a decision nonetheless. I believe that it is a constant, and that it grows everyday. It is not the same as being in love, but can exist with or without being in love. Love is true for family, friends, and in romance. In romance, it is this love that carries you through when you fall out of love.
Being in love, is a beautiful thing. It isn't constant, and it can happen many times, if you allow it to. Each time is different, and makes an impression. I believe that given the right circumstances, it is easy to fall in love, or to get someone to fall in love. Even easier, is falling out of love. 
'In love' is when you get butterflies, and things are peachy. Love is when your heart swells, because you just know.
Finally, I believe that each time you fall in love, a little piece of your heart is set aside. 
Okay, sorry that wasn't as short as I planned.


Anyway, being in the town I grew up in, I find myself reminiscing more than normal. And not surprisingly, the times I 'fell in and out of love' are some of the most vivid. 
This is hard for me to admit, because at first I felt guilty for remembering these things.. But I think that most people remember things that made the biggest impressions on them - good and bad. Not many things feel as good, or hurt as bad as love and heartbreak - therefore, the memories are close.


Whatever the reason may be, I literally love this quote, and could not have explained it better myself. I know, because I have tried.


Maybe this quote stuck with me more than I first realized because of all of the emotions rushing at me, and my attempts at trying to sort through them. Maybe it stuck with me just because it rhymes so closely with my own thoughts. Either way, it settles my mind to know that 1) the past is real. It bloomed and wilted, but the season was still there. And 2) This quote gives me hope. Because when I read it, I get a beautiful mental image. One that gives me hope, and makes me excited about my roots.

Props!

This weeks challenge at www.iheartfaces.com is props.

I kept this in mind yesterday when I went to the store, and ended up coming home with a few things to take pictures of my kiddos. I try to take some decent pictures once a month to send to Nathan, and after running across a picnic photo from an old shoot, I wanted to try something similar.

The mini session didn't go well.. It was way past naptime and the lighting wasn't great.. I did end up getting one decent shot though. It wasn't what I had in mind, then again, two year olds have minds of their own - and mine insisted on Kyle being IN the picnic basket.