You Don't Get It

I couldn't count the times in a day this phrase runs through my head.

Before I begin, this is not, in any way, me complaining about my husband.

The last time I spoke to Nathan, I got news I didn't want to hear. A platoon in their company has recently switched places with his platoon. In the first weeks, they have had a difficult time, and quite a few injuries. One of the more serious injuries, is of a man I don't know, but Nathan does know well.

So. Many. Emotions.
Part of me is relieved it isn't his platoon, and it seems like they got out of there just in time.
Another part of me hates that part, because I wish it wasn't happening to any platoon, any soldier, any family.
Part of me is angry, that someone so young, with so much ahead of them have can have life change so quickly.
Part of me is afraid, because I know this is one of the realities of war.
Part of me aches, because I can't be with my husband to comfort him .
Part of me is proud, that there are people willing to sacrifice these things for our freedom.

Needless to say, the last two days have been hard. And needless to say, none of my hometown friends get it.
I know how people get angry at those words, but they are so very true.

This is what I mean, when I say you don't get it.

1) My husband is away, for a year.
Yes, I know that boyfriends, fiances, and husbands can have to leave for reasons other than war.
And no, I'm not saying that people don't have a right to miss others.
Absence is hard, whether it is for a day, week, year, or a lifetime.
But.. before you come complaining to me about missing your boyfriend this weekend while he is vacationing, use some common sense.
Before you tell me how long that is, realize that I already know.
4 Seasons. 52 Weeks. A calendar of holidays and birthdays. A child's first year of life. 365 days. 8760 hours.


2) This means that I am alone.
Yes, I knew this would eventually happen. And once again, any time without your love is lonely.
365 days of doing everything on my own.
Little things, like taking out the trash, changing tons of diapers, and cutting the grass.
Big things, like running a household, and taking care of two children..
Things that are taken for granted, like hugs, cuddling, encouragement, shopping trips, dates, or eating dinner together.
I can't call my husband when I forgot an item at the store, when the car is acting up, when I've forgotten something at home, or when I'm having a bad day.
I don't know when my husband will call, or that we won't get cut off mid-sentence because of a tragedy.
I do know, that we have went 10+ days without communication - which doesn't bother me as much as the reason that he isn't able to call.

3) He is in constant danger.
Yes, the world is a dangerous place, and tragedies happen everywhere. But most people don't spend every day wondering what kind of danger their love is facing.
A year, could be a breeze. A year long vacation - I'll miss you.
A year long deployment - I'm wondering if I'll miss you for 12 months, or a lifetime.
Every knock at the door - my heart ends up in my throat.
Every unknown phone call - I'm afraid to answer, yet know I have to.
Going on vacation, means packing up my husband's will, along with a bunch of other legal documents and notifying our FRG of my temporary address, incase that dreaded visit needs to be made.
It means wondering each day, how I would handle that visit, and trying to prepare myself for the ultimate worst, while still praying for the best.

It is true, that I knew what I was signing up for. When we married, I knew Nathan was going active duty, and that deployments were inevitable. But like every situation in life, there are so many things that you can't even imagine.. until you are thrust into said situation.

So, when I say you don't get it, I'm not trying to be rude. I'm only trying to save myself from the frustration that comes when you turn white and don't know what to say when I tell you we've received a red message, and explain to you what that means. When I'm snappy or cranky, I'm not being a bitch. When you catch me crying, and I tell you that I'm fine, I'm not trying to hide anything from you.

Finally, this isn't my pity list for you to feel bad at what I'm going through, and this isn't some competition to see who has it worse. It is a reminder that everyone - military, civilian; teenager, or senior citizen - is going through something. Everybody has bad days and is entitled to them without having to explain the reasoning to others. And just as you don't know what I'm going through - I don't know what you may be going through.

Empathy and mutual respect are the keys.

H20!

Holy heatwave! We are so not used to the heat and humidity down here. I want my NY weather back!

Anyway, we have been spending a ton of time at the pool - which I don't mind at all.

So when I saw the photo challenge this week on iheartfaces.com I was so excited to take some fun water pictures.

Instead, I decided to submit this photo. I absolutely adore it just as I do every picture my kids take with their Daddy Dolls.

While I think this picture is cute, I think it is a billion times more sweet. We hope you could feel us cooling you off, Daddy, all the way in Afghanistan.

Who Says?

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path." 
— Paulo Coelho

I found this quote as I was searching for the love quote I blogged about last.

Lately I've been frustrated. Frustrated with the past, and frustrated with others.

I sometimes feel as if I'm watching a movie, most often a horror movie, and screaming at the screen.
Don't do it! That's a bad choice! You're setting yourself up to get burned!

While I feel like there are some definite do's and don'ts in life, who am I to judge what is right or wrong for another person?
Not only is it not my job, but I don't need the stress of worrying about others.

It is like the John Mayer song, Who Says.
I mean, really.. Who says I can't dye my hair, have a drink, or go out with friends?
Who says I couldn't get a boob job or have another child? (which I didn't, and I'm not..)
Who says I can't buy a new outfit or splurge on a pair of shoes? (which I did)!

Not only is today the day to stop worrying about other's opinions of me, and justifying my decisions to those who need no justification..

Today, is a fresh start. A day of letting go of the past, and trying my best to not judge others because they make decisions I wouldn't.

Today is the day I end the unnecessary negativity in my life.
This means not gossiping, speculating, or feeling superior because my life choices differ from others.
It means appreciating the variety and difference of the other people in my life.
And most importantly, it means being a better friend to others, the way I wish they were to me.

Maybe this will come full circle.

Maybe, just maybe, 

Love.. And trees?

I passed over this quote days ago, and liked it. I didn't think twice about it at the time, and even now I couldn't tell you where I saw it at. Yesterday I found myself desperately searching for it, although I didn't remember most of the words. I can't explain why I wanted so badly to find it, and even more I can't describe the luck that it took to find it again. But, here it is.


Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two. 
-Quote from Captain Corelli's Mandolin


Those of you that have been followers for awhile already know all about my views on love.. but for those of you that don't, here is a quick recap.
I believe that love, true love, is a decision. Not one that you can make lightly or quickly, but a decision nonetheless. I believe that it is a constant, and that it grows everyday. It is not the same as being in love, but can exist with or without being in love. Love is true for family, friends, and in romance. In romance, it is this love that carries you through when you fall out of love.
Being in love, is a beautiful thing. It isn't constant, and it can happen many times, if you allow it to. Each time is different, and makes an impression. I believe that given the right circumstances, it is easy to fall in love, or to get someone to fall in love. Even easier, is falling out of love. 
'In love' is when you get butterflies, and things are peachy. Love is when your heart swells, because you just know.
Finally, I believe that each time you fall in love, a little piece of your heart is set aside. 
Okay, sorry that wasn't as short as I planned.


Anyway, being in the town I grew up in, I find myself reminiscing more than normal. And not surprisingly, the times I 'fell in and out of love' are some of the most vivid. 
This is hard for me to admit, because at first I felt guilty for remembering these things.. But I think that most people remember things that made the biggest impressions on them - good and bad. Not many things feel as good, or hurt as bad as love and heartbreak - therefore, the memories are close.


Whatever the reason may be, I literally love this quote, and could not have explained it better myself. I know, because I have tried.


Maybe this quote stuck with me more than I first realized because of all of the emotions rushing at me, and my attempts at trying to sort through them. Maybe it stuck with me just because it rhymes so closely with my own thoughts. Either way, it settles my mind to know that 1) the past is real. It bloomed and wilted, but the season was still there. And 2) This quote gives me hope. Because when I read it, I get a beautiful mental image. One that gives me hope, and makes me excited about my roots.

Props!

This weeks challenge at www.iheartfaces.com is props.

I kept this in mind yesterday when I went to the store, and ended up coming home with a few things to take pictures of my kiddos. I try to take some decent pictures once a month to send to Nathan, and after running across a picnic photo from an old shoot, I wanted to try something similar.

The mini session didn't go well.. It was way past naptime and the lighting wasn't great.. I did end up getting one decent shot though. It wasn't what I had in mind, then again, two year olds have minds of their own - and mine insisted on Kyle being IN the picnic basket.

You Learn As You Go

So many things in life are really simple and straightforward when you get down to it.

If something seems like a bad idea, it probably is. We have instincts for a reason.
If you need help - you can ALWAYS find someone to serve that purpose.
Children are meant to be loved and cared for - not flaunted when you need to look good.
When it comes to money - balancing a checkbook isn't some out of this world magic trick. Don't spend what you don't have. Make a budget, and make wise decisions.
When it comes to school, failing probably takes more effort than passing. And once again, you can always find help.
Even when there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, it is there.
With a few exceptions, nearly all problems are temporary, and will be looked back upon with greater understanding in the future.
Fate doesn't always reveal itself at the time of your choosing.
Part of the fun is the surprise.
Age is a number - not a means of measuring maturity, wisdom, or knowledge.
Having a baby is not a right of passage into adulthood.
You can choose half of you family.
Marriage does mean leaving your family to begin another.
When it comes to relationships - there are some definite rights and wrongs.
And when it comes to feelings, we were given the ability to communicate for a reason.
You have instincts, memories, and logic that you can choose to base each decision off of, and solutions come to you in that order.
You can (in most instances) choose your actions and reactions based on estimated consequences.
Sometimes, it really is best to sleep on it.
Patience doesn't always come easy, but each moment of impatience was an opportunity you could have worked on building your patience.
Just because you can make an excuse, doesn't mean you should.
You never know what you are capable of, until you are tested.
Close really only does count in horseshoes and hand grenades.
The rules don't magically change when it becomes your turn.
There is always a silver lining, if you look hard enough.
If someone's opinion of you bothers you too much, it is usually because deep down you see some truth in it.
People can change - but that doesn't mean they will.
Some scars never really heal, but we can choose to accept them.
Sorry is not a magic word, but the emotion can work miracles.
Practice does make you better.
The glass really can be perceived as half empty OR half full.
God really does work in mysterious ways.
Irony is real.
Sometimes all you can do is laugh <3
Happiness is a decision you make.
Love is also.

And most importantly, human perfection is unattainable, but the road to improvement is never-ending.

These are some of the things I have learned along the way. Not only did I want to share these, but I needed to be reminded of some.

I'm a twenty year old woman/girl that has made mistakes, screwed up, and hurt others. I've struggled, failed, fallen down, and hurt myself. I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.
But I'm learning.
It is a never ending process, and it isn't always pretty. In fact, it rarely is, and may never be.
I'd be lying if I said I had no regrets, but it would be dishonest to say that they didn't mold me into exactly who I am today - And I like the person I am.
I have grown, and will also continue to do so for the rest of my life - This will serve as my promise and reminder to myself.

What defines you?

It has been awhile since I posted.. and I attribute that to being busy... and too emotional to post.

I have actually had a wonderful couple of weeks. The Strong Bonds retreat in ABay was 100% fun, 37% crazy, and 10% out of control. I had some much needed fun and free time, and I enjoyed bonding with some of the other women. It is always nice to know that others have been through what you are going through, especially when they have overcome their struggles and their scars aren't visible today.

So, that is what I have been telling myself. Sometimes I feel like I have a giant 'x' on my forehead, and horrific scars from all of the times I've been emotionally hurt. Sometimes I need to step back to remember that they are only 'visible' to me because I know that they are there.

As nice as it was to be able to connect with others through these battle wounds, it also pulled everything to the surface. Lately, all I can do is think about all of the times I have been hurt, and that is making things difficult. The only thing worse than these memories, is being left to deal with them alone.

It just seems like every time I feel ready to put something in the past and leave it alone, something similar happens and brings all of the old emotions rushing back. I find myself mad over things that happened ages ago, and even more I find myself basing my opinions of people on the ever-expanding knowledge of 'who they are'. Are they really that way as a person? Or are these just separate instances, all curiously related?

There comes a point when people need to let go. But what about when you are unable to? How can you stay in a frienship/marriage/any relationship when you can only foresee conflict and hurt when imagining that relationship in 10, 20 years down the road? How can someone stand to put themselves in a situation that they despise, or into a lifelong scenario with someone they despise?
Or am I wrong in this despise?


In the last 10 days, so many things have changed, but at the same time, nothing really has. In fact, the biggest change has been in myself. I am realizing that I am capable of anything. That I make my own decisions, and I truly can do what I want. Not without consequences, because EVERY choice has consequences.. but I do control my life.

And with that realization comes some understanding.. Anyone is capable of anything. There is however, a difference in understanding how something less than favorable could happen, and condoning the same thing. While overall there is a fine line between right and wrong, there are also shades of gray when it comes down to an instant, and you factor in all of the variables.

While you may see someones actions and listen to what they have to say, you can never truly know their heart. Like my invisible scars, I sometimes forget that people can't be as sure of my intentions as I am. I would hate to be judged based only upon my actions and not the bigger picture of things.. (Take, for instance.. murder. If you kill someone in self defense, it is understandable to most. In all reality, black and white, you killed someone. It is the circumstance that determines the reaction.) 
Yet, knowing this, I still find myself judging others based on the things they have done to me. I'm not saying if you cut me off driving once I still hold a grudge lol.. I do, however, find myself holding a grudge against those who have hurt me multiple times, or done 'bad' things multiple times. 

So here it is: the peek at the questions floating around in my crazy, scatterbrained, unorganized mind.

1) Are people bad? Or do people just do bad things? 

2) At what point does the bad overcome the good? Or after how many times can you assume that a person is bad? 

3) Can you really truly forgive and forget? And if you can.. how long are you supposed to hold onto those memories? 

4) Can people change? And more importantly: How do you know if someone has changed, or if that someone is a manipulative person capable of fooling you and others?

5) At what point do you remove yourself from a situation if you do determine someone is 'bad'. Whether it be bad in general, or just bad for you.

6) When is it okay to tell somebody no? How do you ask someone to choose between two things that should never have to be chosen between? Is asking this person to choose bad on my part, or is it the other's fault for knowingly putting us in this situation? 

And finally.. am I the only one that has a system of judging others, all the while knowing that it is wrong to judge, and that I hate being judged on things that nobody else can fully grasp? Do you struggle with similar things? Am I the only hypocrite, or am I one at all.. or am I the only one willing to admit it?