Everything happens for a reason..

Today has been a pretty typical day.. So much to do, and not enough time to do it. Sent of a couple more care packages [eight in four weeks, my husband is spoiled.. with love] and some pictures and videos of the kids. Somewhere inbetween all of the craziness of life with two kids, I had an epiphany. Okay, maybe not exactly.. but I'm finally starting to understand something that has been eating at me for awhile.

I've never been good at friendships, or emotions, or letting people in. But I feel like I have come a long way in the last few months, especially the last thirty one days (not like I'm keeping a count :P). Just writing this blog is a big step for me. I actually teared up when I went to re-read last nights entry.. which got me FOUR, Count 'em, FOUR followers last night lol.

Anyway, being in my hometown has brought on a whirlwind of emotions. Memories with my husband, missing my childhood, and missing our new home in New York. Yes, I said home in NY - not sure when Drum became our home, but at some point over the last year, it did. But it has also brought a lot of frustration. I don't feel like I fit in here. How can you live in such a small town for 14 years, know everyone by name, go to school with the same classmates each year, and not fit in?

This is what I have been struggling with:
Over the last month, I have gotten tons of supportive, encouraging email.

What is wrong with that?
Nothing.
It has helped keep me going. These people will never know how much their simple words and random acts of kindness have meant to me. Everyone wants a friend, wants to be understood, and wants a shoulder to lean on. Everyone loves encouragement.

Why am I complaining?
I'm not. I am very thankful for the people I have in my life.

Here is the kicker...
The people most present in my life right now aren't the ones I expected to be there.
The majority of this support has come from the most random people. Classmates I never really got to know, and women who I have only known for a few months. Actually, some of them I have never met, and yet I feel like they know me. Like they know exactly what I'm going through, what I need to hear, and like they have known me for years. This is how life should be right? Everyone supporting one another.

Needless to say, this is frustrating. How can there be such differences with the peoople in my life? Here, I find myself worried when I go out in public here. Worried about going to the gym, worried about who I will run into at WalMart, worried about the rumors that may start if I am seen by the wrong person while saying hello to an old classmate, struggling with my friendships. This is my hometown. Where I grew up, where I graduated, where I was raised, yet I feel this out of place. Mind boggling.

This is getting lengthy, so I'll try to wrap it up.
I find myself feeling guilty, and somewhat greedy for wanting support from certain people. Do I need it? No. But would it be nice? Heck yes.

Nothing hurts more than being let down. It is bittersweet to see my life and my friendships changing this way. Part of me wants to cling to the old ones - change is scary.

My epiphany today was that everything happens for a reason. All of the struggles and hardships from two years ago that I couldn't understand, make perfect sense now. I'm just hoping that the changes taking place now make sense in the future.

First Blog... Eeeeep!

My husband left one month ago today [technically yesterday since I now have insomnia] for Afghanistan. Coincidentally, my husband is my best friend and my biggest supporter, and I tell him everything. Correction - told. I still do when we get to talk, but there are ten billion things going on in my life and I forget little details. Details I don't want to forget. To save myself from blowing up his inbox, or becoming one of those crazies that posts an update every few minutes, I figured I would start a blog. Writing to Nathan and keeping him updated on the lives of our children and I is a release for me. It makes me feel closer to him, which is a feeling I love. So, here goes.

Month one is down.. and it flew by. I still can't believe it is over, and I survived it without any hospital trips or mental breakdowns. Alright.. there was one hospital trip, but just for our daughter Hallie, who was sick. On the surface, it was pretty uneventful. But in reality, there was a lot of life lived this month. Life didn't stop or even slow down when he left, and that I am thankful for. I expected much worse. Don't get me wrong, I miss my husband and think of him constantly. But I haven't been a mopey mess everyday. I haven't gorged myself in chocolate, or sat around in sweats everyday. I've realized I am much stronger than I have ever imagined I could be.

So, about that life..
Our youngest, Kyle, turned 5 months old. He got his first two teeth, one on his sister's second birthday, and one on his 5 month birthday. He has become an expert at rolling over, and will do so five or six times in the time it takes me to change his diaper. His personality is developing RAPIDLY. He loves to laugh at his sister, open wide for kisses, and play with his newly discovered fingers and toes. He is really starting to 'talk' and it is one of the sweetest sounds I have ever heard. The only sounds he makes are squeals and giggles. AKA, he doesn't cry, like ever. And when he does, his big sissy Hallie is there to soothe him.
Hallie had her second birthday after Nathan left. She has aged so much in the last month. She is now putting words together, and she is stuck up her Papa's butt! She is absolutely hooked on popsicles - eats at least 5 a day. She shares them with Kyle, and if my dad [Papa] is home, she has to bring him one so they can eat them together. She has learned to play the blame game. When she makes a mess, and you ask her 'Who made that mess?!' she immediately responds "MATT!". [Matt is my oldest younger brother; her uncle]. She is quite the entertainer, and is always running around doing something. She likes to crinkle her nose, make the duck face, and fake people out. Her phrase of the week is 'I'm gonna getchuuuu'.

I could write a book about my children and all of the things they do.. and before this year is over you will get tired of hearing me brag on them and talk about them. I love them more than anything in the world, and they are the things keeping me going right now. Everytime I look at them I see a small piece of Nathan - literally and figuratively.. they resemble him so much it is scary. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

That is all for tonight. We love and miss you, Nathan.