Whimsy

My daughter is a junior photographer.

She is two, and loves to take pictures and help me setup. Each shoot she stands next to me taking her own pictures (sometimes with an old camera, sometimes with a toy camera [princess, duh!] and sometimes she helps me use my camera).

This particular shot was taken as I was finishing up a session. Her cousin was actually in this tub, full of water and bubbles just minutes before. As I watched her, I knew she was up to something, and she knew that I wouldn't stop her because it was too cute.

She climbed in - clothes and all. I just how fun and carefree she is!

www.iheartfaces.com

Love and Fire

“Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.” 


I heard a quote similar to this years ago. Actually, I saw it.. On a then ex-boyfriend's myspace page days after we split and he went back to his ex. Although the quote twisted a knife in my gut each time I saw it, the pain is obviously gone now.


Tonight I thought back to this quote, not because I was thinking back to said ex, but because I was genuinely shocked when I realized how much stronger my feelings have grown. Stronger than got married, stronger than when he left, and stronger than yesterday. Even stronger than the first time I felt that love (that is how you know your love is real - When things actually go uphill from the honeymoon stage. Infinitely uphill).


Isn't that how love should be? Learning more of your partner each day, growing more into and falling more in love with each breath? I've always thought so, but I guess for some reason I had this idea in the back of my mind that everything would be put on hold for deployment. 
You don't see each other, you don't talk often, and the few conversations you share are never long enough. There is absolutely no physical contact, and your love - half of your heart - is literally half a world away. Everything that it takes to fall in love is no longer happening. It only makes sense to think that your love could lose track, right? Or at the very least, hit a year long standstill? 
As much as I hate to admit it, that was my expectation. Thankfully, it is one of the failed expectations that I couldn't be happier about.


Each and every day I find myself remembering more. Thinking more. Longing more. Aching more. Loving more than the day before.


 And I thought I loved you then.


If you've read my blog about my views on love (That you can love with your head - the type of everlasting, absolute, 75 years of marriage and becoming a single person type of love... and love with your heart - the giggly, butterfly, 'in-love'/puppy love stages) then you will understand when I say this:


I am thankful for this deployment because it is giving me a chance to strengthen and deepen my LOVE for Nathan. Without the superficial distractions, I know that this raging fire is growing for all of the right reasons.
At the same time, I am falling more and more in love with him too - once again, for all of the right reasons. I'm not mistaking love with lust or affection as so many young people (including myself) do/have done. I get goosebumps everytime his name appears or I see a picture of him. My heart stops when my phone rings, and starts back up 10x faster when I see that 6 digit number calling. My head spins and I become intoxicated each time I hear his voice. I am so in love.


Although I stink at poetry, each time I attempt to describe what I'm feeling, I visualize this picture. And when I try to describe it this is what comes out.




There is an infinite field contained within my heart
Already large enough to withstand any wind or storm that may come.
And each thought and new memory sends a gust 
Spreading the fire to places I never knew existed
Adding to the eternal blaze that is my love

Thinking ahead

All day today I was thinking about the future.

From watching the kids fight over wheat thins and sippy cups and thinking about all of the fights they will have in years to come, to packing away baby clothes and wondering if I will ever use them again..
And finally, retirement.

I spent my afternoon in Alexandria Bay. I can't even describe how peaceful, beautiful, and perfect it is.
Right on the water, a bunch of little shops and restaurants...
When I think of where I want to be in 30 years, it is there.

Not only do I want to be there, I can picture myself there. A small, nice home with plenty of space, and a porch and large backyard for when the kids and maybe grandkids come to visit Nathan and I.

Today is my parents' 32nd wedding anniversary.
And I can't help but wonder how ours will be.

Today I realized that I fully intend on being with my husband for the rest of my life. To watch the kids' arguments, silliness, and sweetness with one another. To *maybe* have more children with. And to retire with, so we can spend our days together, always growing older and more together.

I always knew this, I didn't marry with the thought of divorce; Today it just hit me though.

I want to honeymoon, scuba dive, jet ski and snowboard. I want to travel together, golf together, take walks together, have our grown children over for breakfast, and live out my life just enjoying everything about it with my soulmate.

Most importantly, I want it to start now. I don't want to put things off, I don't want to push a single thing back.. not even a day. I don't want to waste any time because we only have a lifetime, and even that isn't enough for me.

It is these thoughts guarantees that get me through. I know that I have the best husband that I could ask for, the best husband for me. The only man I ever want coming home to me. And knowing that makes these next 9 months seem like nothing.

Today I thank you, deployment, for bringing us closer, for making me appreciate what I have, and for giving me something to miss.

Communication

I have a love hate relationship with facebook..
I often toy with the idea of deactivating it, but don't because of the love part.

I LOVE it because I can keep in contact with my husband. While it doesn't replace phone calls completely, this is our main form of communication. Not only can he see my crazy status updates on the kids' shennanigans, but he can see our pictures, videos, and get personal messages all in the same place. I know I would never be able to remember/fit in everything I want to say in our phone calls, and I enjoy being able to send sweet reminders of how much I love him and visa versa. It is also extremely comforting to be able to see other members from his unit/company online. Even if it isn't him, a familiar face means everything is okay.

I HATE for a lot of reasons.
1. It isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world to see everything going on back home, all of the happiness and comradery between old friends, and even old 'enemies'. Yes, I love my life in New York, but it doesn't mean I don't miss back home.

2. Everyone knows what is going on in my life. While this isn't necessarily a bad thing, the impact on friendships is bad. People seem to think that 'liking' a status once a week substitutes a conversation. Or that staying updated with the pictures/videos/posts about me and the kids means that they are participating in our lives. You are, but only halfway. Seeing what is going on on the surface is the easy way out.

And finally, the combination of the two. Seeing the effort put into communication and support for others shows me that you do know what it takes to be a good friend, and you are capable of doing so. This especially irks me when it is someone you couldn't have cared less about months ago. Good for you, for making new friends. Sorry that you expect the old ones to be maintained without any effort.

My husband (and other supporters/friends) actively communicate with me on facebook. I would be extremely upset if Nathan thought that simply observing my news feed was doing his part in maintaining/building our relationship. Thank God he knows there is more to it than that, and he just uses those posts to stay connected AND as a base for the actual communication we have.

Even better is the fact that he doesn't have to read about me being upset over lack of communication to get the hint.

I know, I know. I could probably do more too. But it is everyone.. and me. All of my friends/family are 1000 miles away. Most of my friends/family only have us, or a handful of people at a distance that they are trying to keep in contact with. Is it possible for me to reach out to everyone? Probably. But is it a heck of a lot easier for you to contact me? To check in with me? To see if we need anything? Just to talk?
yes. Yes. YES.

So, am I jealous? I don't think so. Am I needy? Maybe.. we all need friends, but should I have to beg and fight to keep mine? Should I do more? Definitely, but I can't bring myself to when I'm already this disappointed; When the disappointment started the same day he left.

The light at the end of the tunnel

I was finally able to get some relief today...
It has been 5.5 days since I last heard from Nathan, but I feel immensely better; Funny how seeing one familiar face online can allow me to take full breaths again. It also helps that I've decided the cut out the stressors from my life.. There are some things and some people I just don't need to worry about.
So, instead of going through the motions today, I got a bunch done. Although the everyday cleaning already needs to be done again, I have finally conquered all of the laundry from our trip to Missouri (horrible, I know.. but we also packed our whole wardrobes lol and I had to wash it all). I finally cleaned and organized Hallie's room, and now have a very large pile of things to get rid of! It is almost starting to look like the kids share a room rather than being a pink princess room with one boys crib.
Most importantly. I set up childcare for tomorrow. FIVE hours to myself.. If I don't pick them up early because I don't know what to do with myself. I have a lot planned, first throwing out my old clothes so I can hang all of the new ones, preparing care packages, then zumba, coffee day, grocery shopping without racing the clock to naptime, and maybe even picking up a couple of Karen Kingsbury books.. Oh how I miss her :)

I'm already feeling great about tomorrow, and it hasn't even started. So I'll end here, and save my rant on how facebook and friendships later. After all of the complaining last night about never being able to catch up, I can finally see the finish line.

Let's Hear it for the Boys

Going to try my luck with entering again this week... and every week that the deadline doesn't pass me by.

This photo is from my first attempt at portrait photography, about 6 months ago. 

What makes this more special is that it was taken just days before this father left for Afghanistan.

Lets hear it for the boys.. This one, and all of the others!

You can never be thanked enough for what you do.

www.iheartfaces.com

Where Are You?

Blah. That is how I feel today. After yesterdays news it was a struggle to just smile today.  When I say this hit way too close to him, I mean exactly that. I don't say this to be disrespectful. My heart hurts for everyone in his life, just as it does each and everytime I see a new casualty pop up on icasualties.We have been so lucky so far with our unit and our company.. and  I was starting to feel like they are invincible. This reminds me that they aren't, and to never, ever stop praying for their safety.

First, I can't walk. Well, not very well. It is crazy that one 20 minute workout did this to me! I'm more sore than after childbirth. So every diaper change (and we set a record for dirty diapers today..) has literally killed me. Each trip across the room I'm fighting with my legs to not give out. I know I know, it could be worse, but can't I have one day to not be so optimistic?

Second, I fought through the pain this morning to SLOWLY clean the house. And within an hour, that went to hell. Not just toys everywhere (which they are) but another pile of dirty laundry from Kyle. Yogurt on the couch, desitin in the carpet, popsicle on the floor etc from Hallie.

It honestly seems like I can't catch up.. and when I do, I find 50 more things to do.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm ready for a break.

Funny that we are three months in, and it is so hard to get one.

I can't help but think back to the beginning.. when everyone was going to take turns visiting..  so I was always either home, headed home, had someone here, or had someone on their way.

All I can think is: Where are you now?

So, as of today.. I'm tired of being disappointed.

I can't wait to go home and try to make 'new friends' with the people that have been my support since this began.

On second thought, maybe they aren't really new.. Maybe I just had the definition of friend wrong.

I just want to share this message, the most recent one I've gotten. Just another reason for me to cry last night..
I want to make a collection of the emails I have received. And to those of you sending them, you will never know how much they mean and how much they have helped.

THIS IS SUPPORT.

Bethany, 
I know you don't know me very well and that's okay, but I have read every single blog you've ever posted. I have also saw every picture you have ever uploaded. Not that I'm crazy or trying to stalk you or anything, but I think that you are the perfect role model for any woman struggling. I look at your pictures and I can tell that your family is thriving and you can literally see all of the love and joy in your photos. It might be a little silly, but your family is beautiful! I never thought when you were pregnant your senior year during softball that you didn't want coach to know because you didn't want him to be disappointed in you. If coach could see your children he would be so proud of you. I don't know what it's like to be with a man in the military. I don't think you put yourself in that position. Anyone who does doesn't know what love is like. You can't help who you fall in love with. It's because you love him that you're doing this WITH him. You are holding up so well. I can't ever imagine being as strong as you in any situation similar to yours. I mean, I was away from ***** for months at a time but I knew he was safe! You go on with your daily life as best as you can and you are SO good at it. I read your status' and I don't think "poor bethany" like some of these people. I think wow, Bethany. You're just as much of a hero as Nathan. You're always trying to better yourself for your babies, which are BEAUTIFUL by the way!, and for your husband. He may not be able to be with you right now..but I know he is counting down the days until he gets to stand next to you and look at his wonderful life with you. You are very brave Bethany Payne. You're children will always look at you as super mom, and the people who just happen to cross paths with you will see you as a person with courage and outrageous amounts of love for her family. Stay strong. You always have people to lean on, even when they aren't visible in your every day life. Remember that when you feel like you can't go any farther..

Thing I Never Imagined

I woke up to this morning to an email that made my heart stop and my body go numb.
As I slowly drifted back to reality, I began shaking and crying for the second time this deployment. Partly fro.m fear and the reality of the situation, and partly because I was relieved.
It was the second part that made me feel sick to my stomach; Made me feel like a monster.
How could this news actually bring me relief?


These thoughts have run through my head many times since this journey started, and I'm sure they will continue for years to come. Today I took the time to think of all of the crazy emotions/feelings this has brought out, and I was shocked at all of the vivid feelings I experience daily that I never could've imagined before.

And since I keep getting 'empathy' that makes me want to SCREAM at people that they DON'T get it.. I had to get my emotions out.

I'll start with some of the lighter things..
Since I started this blog, I've had quite a few comments about how good my writing is/trying to get published. I'm still not a big fan of my writing, especially when I hack it out on here.. but I am glad people enjoy it.
I NEVER imaged I would be called a good writer.. especially since I actually failed the first semester of my English class.. Just another thing I never thought would happen.. So not like me.
And the reason I failed.. another one of those things.. I owe a big part of that to Nathan.. my secret crush for over a year.. The thought of ever speaking to him was laughable to me. And marrying him.. that was actually somewhat of a joke between me and my friends. Yeah, he's a catch ;) This was the beginning of our love story, and I was more concerned with texting him and spending late nights with him than doing my work... Don't follow in my footsteps lol.

So, I never thought I'd be married to Nathan. I never thought I would have two kids as a teenager. I never thought I would be so open.. (If you know me, you can probably see how much of a different person I have became in the last year; More specifically the last months..) And I never thought being so open would get me compliments.

I never thought I would be married to a military man. I never thought I would be living in New York. I never thought I would have to go through the hell/odd beauty of a deployment. - All of the reasons I started the blog and became so open.

Not only has the D-Word brought about this blog, it has brought on all of these emotions that would make me seem evil in any other circumstances.

How can I love someone who spends as much time away as he does with us?

How can I uproot my family and my life every few years?

How can I say goodbye to my best friend, my love?

How can I raise two children alone for months at a time?

How can I watch my husband prepare a will, and discuss the 'what ifs' knowing good and well that it is necessary, all while praying that it never has to be touched?

How can I have such a strong bond to these women that I have only just met?

How can the mini-chat picture of some guy I've only met a handful of times put my mind at ease?

How can one phone call sustain me for days... And how does the next always come at the perfect time?
How can I function on hours of sleep?
How can I function at all?
How could I survive if tragedy strikes?
How can the death of a human make me rejoice? (Osama.. just saying..)

How can an injury, or loss of a limb by some innocent person bring relief?

How can I find relief in seeing a name I don't recognize in those dreaded messages

And now you're wondering:
How could she put myself through this? Her kids? 
How?
It isn't easy, but just the thought of our homecoming makes it worth it. Knowing that my husband is securing your freedom, makes it worth it.
Or you're thinking:
You signed up for it.
Perhaps I did.. I married him by choice, but how could I not? I knew it would be easy.. But I didn't realize the whole scheme of things. You can't, until you're in it.
And I hope you're not thinking that my final thoughts make me a monster.


I hope you enjoyed the sneak peek into my brain.. And I hope you understand why I may have gotten/may get snippy with those who tell me 'I'll be fine' or 'they understand' or my favorite - those who say nothing at all. I hope you understand why I sometimes seem emotional, or even a little crazy - I am! And I think it is understandable.

Most of all, I hope you have thought about the seriousness of the situation. Not my situation, the situation as a whole. It seems to me like the more time that passes, the less people remember that we are in the middle of a war. You don't hear about it as much, and too many sacrifices go unnoticed. Please, don't forget. And please, don't stop praying.

They need it.
We need it.
I need it.

Fathers Day..

It is officially Father's Day! Technically Nathan's Father's day began about 9 hours ago..

This is his third Father's Day... The first wasn't so hot, and the second.. I really don't remember. But this one I'll never forget.

I hear a lot of spouses say that they are 'single moms' while their husbands are away, and I don't agree. Although he is physically absent, he is still here. Not only in our thoughts and in our hearts, but he is here for us. Emotionally, mentally, monetarily...

In fact, knowing that I have him coming home to me, home to us, is what gets me through the days. Even while gone he is my best friend, and my rock. Thousands of miles apart, and I have never felt closer to him.

Maybe it is the distance that allows us to be more open, or maybe it is the unique situation and knowing that we have to savor each and every moment we can talk; that our conversations, even only minutes long, have to sustain the other (or other's in his case).. but I have found we are much more transparent with each other. I tell my husband my every action and emotion, and I believe he knows that if he needs to talk about something, I am here. The space has given us time to reflect on our relationship, and think of ways to improve it. Some of the talks we have had leave me blown away - why can't people always just tell one another what they want, what they need?

In these talks Nathan has talked about being a 'better father'. I normally just smile as he talks away, because I can't imagine him being a better father. From dancing with Hallie, to watching him soothe a fussy baby instantly, just by laying him on his chest, to cooking dinner, watching the games with Kyle, and letting me sleep in when I needed a break (and the kids needed one from me), I couldn't have asked for a better father to my children. Their love for one another is one of the first things you notice when you see them together. We are truly blessed to have him in our lives.

I look forward to the day we are all together again.
I look forward to hearing him whisper "I love you" to Hallie as he puts her to bed.
I look forward to him doing more pushups with the kids sitting on his back.
I look forward to him twirling ribbons and blowing bubbles for them.
I look forward to the crazy outfits he will pick out for the kids, and the arguments we will have when I tell him they don't match.
I look forward to all of us cuddling in the mornings, and making family trips to the store.

Still courtesy of Kristen Charles Photography 

Can you tell we love her work? ;) 

We look forward to having him back.

Happy Father's Day to one of the greatest men I know. One of the many special men that is spending his Father's Day away from his children, for the future of his children.

Happy Father's Day to another great, hardworking man, my father. We're more alike that I would have ever guessed, and that is why we clash oh so much.

Happy Father's Day to every father, and every future father.

Finally, happy 'Father's Day' to all of the other military wives out there that are temporarily filling in for Daddy. The wives who carry around Daddy Dolls, take hours of videos and tons of pictures in an effort to nourish the bond between children and father. The wives who hug their sobbing children when they are missing their daddy, spend their time on the phone filling him in on their growth, who have their hearts break each and every time their child asks for daddy, and who get lumps in their throats when their children mistake another man in ACU's for their dad.

Happy Fathers Day.

Take a look at me now.

I used today's nap time to catch up on 16 & Pregnant (everyone deserves a lazy day, right?) and the episode from two weeks ago sparked this post. It wasn't my favorite or least favorite episode. In fact, I don't remember her name or much of the episode.. just that she was the one with an eating disorder, and that her relationship with her mother made me want to cry for her.

Anyway, the part where she was talking about going back to school.. Speaking of the things she knew everyone would be thinking.. reminded me of me. Reminded me of how I felt, and still feel about pregnancy at a young age.

Not only was this girl afraid of how her teachers would handle things (which I can relate to, after having a teacher mock me to her students..) but she was afraid people would think she was a 'slut'. As if she didn't have enough to worry about. I don't know anything about her other than what I saw, just as I don't know much about any other teen mom I see.. but one of the things that bugs me more than anything else is that stereotype.

Getting pregnant at a young age does NOT make someone a whore.
In fact, what gives anyone the right to judge someone else as a whore anyway?

I definitely wasn't. In fact, I was the 'unlucky' one that got pregnant because I was the exact opposite. Had I been promiscuous, my chances of becoming pregnant with Hallie, one of the loves of my life, would have been much less. If I had been sleeping around, I would have been on the pill. But, I wasn't. I was caught up in a moment, with my first love.

No offense to anybody on the pill, or that uses any other form of contraceptives.. I'm not against sex - your body is yours to do with what you please. And if that is the route you choose, good for you for realizing that actions have consequences, the miracle of life is far from the worst. I guess you could say I'm pro-dowhatyouwant,butpleaseeducateyourselffirst.


I could totally relate to and feel for that girl in those few moments, those glimpses into her most personal fears and thoughts. And it brought me back to '08. My senior year, my first pregnancy, the best un-planned event of my life. It brought me back to hiding my pregnancy, and graduating early - just to escape the belittling stares, and menacing words being said behind my back.

No girl should ever have to feel that way. No baby, no completely innocent, perfect angel should ever be a reason for shame - no matter the situation or age/look/background of the mother.

So, to those who whispered behind my back, bashed me, and laughed at my 'expense', thank you. Thank you for teaching me that no opinion could ever matter as much as those of my children. Thank you reminding me to not be judgemental when I see a young glowing face with a growing belly. Thank you for inspiring me to look into midwife/doula services.

Most of all, thank you for giving me the drive to prove you all wrong.

And finally, take a look at me now <3

This photo was taken by Kristen Charles Photography

www.kristencharlesphotography.com

Oh, Darlin', Don't You Ever Grow Up

Hallie and Kyle got to talk to Nathan today. It is so sweet watching her prance around, phone smushed between her shoulder and ear talking to her daddy while she runs around being her normal, busy body self. Nathan finally got to hear Kyle say Dadadadada today too.

It hit me as I was filling him in on their busy lives just how fast they are changing.

So tonight is a night for updates.

Kyle: Sits completely on his own now. Has tried all vegetables, and almost all fruits. Drinks from a sippy cup on his own. Is perfecting his pincer grasp. Spins in circles when laying on his belly.
He is so good with his hands, and so quick! He doesn't hesitate when going to pick things up. His motor skills make him seem much older to me than he is. Especially when he sees baby food and sits up and grabs it before I can pull it away. Messy, but cute.
He still loves to jump, and he loves the kitty kitty. They get along well - she loves to lay by him and roll over so he rubs her belly.
He eats so well! From applesauce to peas. I guess you could say he is bottle broken, since he doesn't take them and will take a sippy. He falls asleep on his own at naptime and bedtime; Passes out within minutes of me laying him in his crib with his blankie and bear.
He has finally slowed down some on the growing (size wise at least) and is comfortable in his 2T outfits.
He loves bathtime, and just about every other time. He is constantly giggling and smiling. And when I say the kid never cries (except when I don't feed him fast enough) I mean it. He was belly aching tonight and I am so spoiled to the good baby that he is that I didn't even know what to do. We're all good now though :)
His legs are still full of rolls and he looks a bit like the Michelin Man. My absolute favorite part of his chub is his kneecaps - when he straightens his legs there is literally just a pocket of fat hahaha.
I just love him oh so much, and he is growing up right before my eyes.

Hallie... is Hallie. Her words of the week are: 'Aw man!' and 'mean vacuum!'. She has no problem saying 'love you' after the first time she said it to Nathan.. I guess she just wanted Daddy to hear it first. Her sentences are getting longer, sometimes 6-7 words. Her favorite phrases are 'Mommy, I want cereal please' and 'Mommy I want pop' (popsicles are her favorites).
She is so ready to potty train. She has actually used her potty a few times on her own - I guess it is time to start making it into a habit! Yay for only having to change 10 diapers a day!!
She absolutely loves helping with Kyle.. from feeding him to changing his diaper (except when it is dirty, then she just yells 'Eewwwy Yuck!').
She is determined to drink from normal cups now, and isn't half bad at it. She has learned to open the fridge and get out what she wants to eat (or point to things too high) and she will even push a chair over to the counter to get what she wants from the cabinets. (With supervision.. I like to stand behind her and observe, all the while wondering what is going through her head). She actually made herself a peanut butter sandwich the other night - Her intelligence blows me away!
Her biggest accomplishment this week is playdoh.. She finally doesn't try to eat it. Instead she will mold it and then laugh while saying... something. I'm not sure what but it contains the word Kyle.
She is so in love with her kitty and likes to help refill her food bowls twice a day. As soon as she checks on Kyle in the morning she brings the kitty in for cuddle time in Mommy's bed before we all start our day.

Sidenote: We still haven't named the kitty.. Horrible, I know.. But calling her Kitty Kitty just stuck.

In the last few days shennanigans haven't been too crazy. Just smashing poptarts, riding on Kyle's back like a horse, trying to get me to let her eat all of her birthday candy, (and then yelling 'Aw Man' and throwing it accros the room when I say no), climbing into the jumper and refusing to get out for hours, pushing the kitty around in her stroller (only because she can't lift Kyle..) and trying to put the Kitty in the fridge. She also watched Toy Story a few times this week, so Buzz and Rex have been played with a lot. She still loves her dinos :).
Kyle hasn't done many crazy things this week.. just a lot of biting Mommy, flinging baby food, and drooling. The poor kitty got a bath - Kyle Style - from his kisses. He still loves to grab my cheeks and pull me in for a big wet one, and will even make a kissy face when I walk by him.. and then yell if I don't give him a kiss.. or ten. :) He's impossible to resist. He loves it when I act like he is falling (adventurous like his daddy) and he loves it when I mwah mwah mwah his neck (even though I can't get to it through his rolls haha).

I love my babies so much, and part of me wishes they would never grow up.

At least I know they are growing to be wonderful little people that will continue to make me proud for years to come.

I think I'm a little smitten :)

We love and miss you, Nathan, and can't wait until we're together again and you can snuggle the kids and sit beside me as  we watch them grow.

P.S. This entry and title were inspired by the song I chose for the gallery pages of my website. Go check it out if you haven't :)

www.bethanypaynephotography.com

I Miss You So Much

I miss you so much
Your voice
Your smell
Your touch

Just the thought
Of having you within reach
Sends chills through my body
Starting with my feet

What I would give just to hold you
And show you the love in my heart

If you could peek inside you would see
A million visions of you
Each one a puzzle piece
Creating a spectacular view

So many memories
Help to get me through
Every little thing
Brings my thoughts back to you

I can still remember
Your voice
Your smell
Your touch

Each a reminder
Of the man I miss so much

Photo contest

I've been a follower of iheartfaces for awhile, and I feel that I have learned a ton. They hold weekly photo challenges, and I always mean to enter, but forget.

This weeks challenge is bright and vivid. My plan today was to take a new shot of my children (which I'm not going to give away because I still want to do this anyway :D) but things are just uaghahghadslfghasglkjag in our house today. Between the vacuuming I have now done THREE times (and will be doing again because of the pop tart Hallie is crushing as we speak), and NINE dirty diapers I have had the pleasure of changing, I can't find the time to go to town and get the object I need. And, Hallie has been one cranky little chick today, so why cause more frustration?

Although this photo isn't the most technically sound photo I have taken, something always draws me back to it..
Maybe it is the fact that she is my daughter, or maybe it is because I can practically hear her roar when I look at it.. Either way, this photo has more personality shining through than most of the 'sound' photos I have taken; shadows on the face and all.

So I'm going to give it a shot.

This week I am entering Hallie's dinosaur shot. HEAR HER ROAR! :)

 http://iheartfaces.com

Head wins..

 So, I've had a love affair the last two days.

It was short lived, but oh so worth it. I hate to end it, but I have to.
Even though it was oh so good in the moment, it has left me feeling weighed down and remorseful.

With my new interest, things aren't always as fun, and they're a lot harder, but the feeling of satisfaction when I'm done, is completely worth it.

So, I finally have my answer.. When you love with your head and your heart, head wins.
Well, technically, stomach vs. head.

Sorry Ben and Jerry, you lose to Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.

Now off of my butt to do it, and burn all of my memories of/calories from you.

I can't wait to see my new relationship develop ;)


Yes, I'm a nerd. Sorry :D

Not Me

I feel like I have gotten into this mindset lately that nothing bad can happen to me. Well, not just me, but people I know. Almost like there is some protective shield because I say so.

And I was reminded today, that there isn't.

So I'm going to stop living with that attitude.

I'm going to stop making mistakes in hope that I can fix them tomorrow.
I'm going to stop picking fights that I wouldn't want to live with if some tragedy did happen (God forbid).
I'm going to stop putting things off, and make sure I accomplish the things I want to leave behind.
I'm going to try my best to stop dwelling on the past, and worrying about the things I don't have control over.
I will try to quit over-analyzing what might have been, and appreciate what I now have.
I will choose my words more carefully, as to not upset the ones I love. Or the ones I don't.
I will make the best of everyday, and pray for the best everyday.

I will tell my husband and my children I love them and remind them of how much they mean to me, at least once a day.
I will continue to honor my vows, and grow in our love each and everyday.
I will do everything I can to remind my husband of the love he has waiting for him back home, and I will strive to make these coming months as easy and bearable as I can.

I promise I won't live in fear of what can happen, but I will live knowing that things can.
I promise I will stop living with the false security of 'not me' and start praying for God's grace, and trusting in His plan.

The Beauty of Grace, Is It Makes Life Not Fair

Today I am surprised at my own thoughts.

I have had many personal 'taboos' over the years, and it is crazy to look back and see how my opinion has changed for each one.

When I was 13, saying a curse word in my head literally made me sick to my stomach.
Sneaking out was something I'd never attempt.
Kissing seemed wrong.
When I was 16, having sex before marriage was unfathomable.
Getting pregnant was my worst fear.
I swore abortion would never cross my mind.
When I was 18, I was afraid to move out.
I didn't want to be married.
I would have laughed at the idea of moving across the country.
When I was 19, I swore I would leave if there was infidelity.
I said I wouldn't take time off from college.
I couldn't imagine surviving a deployment.


At 20:
I curse when I drop something, burn dinner, or am surprised..
I can laugh about the times I snuck out.
I have kissed too many times.
I regret not waiting.
I've been pregnant twice.
Abortion crossed my mind when I found out I was pregnant at 17.
I've moved out.
I am married.
I live in New York.
I stayed.
I have now taken a year off.
I am almost 11 weeks into our deployment.

At 20, I have a new set of 'taboos' to fit my current life, and I'm a tad afraid seeing how all of the others have failed me at some time.

It hit me today how our beliefs and values change. They change as we age, and they sometimes change in a moment's notice when we are faced with the correct (or incorrect) variables.
I like to call these 'moments of weakness'.
Some things I could have never imagined doing, I have done. Doesn't mean they are right, and it doesn't mean they are wrong, but they didn't fit into my plan for my life.

The line between right and wrong can become quite blurred with everything we have at our fingertips today. We, as Americans, are empowered. And with great power, comes great responsibility.
But we aren't always ready for it, and even if we are, those moments of weakness can overtake us.

So, when you see someone doing something 'you would never do', don't judge them, and think twice. You NEVER know how you would react in a situation, until you are in the middle of it.

And when you have one of those moments of weakness -whether it be hurting a friend, or eating one too many pints of ice cream - don't be too hard on yourself.

The Beauty Of Grace, Is It Makes Life Not Fair

Johnny Depp?

I'm not a Johnny Depp fan. In fact, Every time someone mentions him and I have to ask who he is, and I always respond with 'oooohhhh' when they say he is the guy from Pirates of the Caribbean.

The dirty one with long matted hair, right? :)

Anyway as much as I don't like him.. I love this quote. And it is like the next chapter of my If You Can't Be With The One You Love blog.

If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.

Johnny Depp

Well then, Mr. Depp, you have just went up 2.5 points in my book.




I'm still trying to decide if this quote seems true to me or not. I half agree.. but after spending hours torturing myself with my other question, I have come to this conclusion. You love with you head and your heart.

I still believe love is forever, and I don't think you can love more than one person with each of those. I also think that loving someone in one of those ways takes a piece of you that you can't get back.

Ideally, you love the same person with both. But in rare instances, they can be split, and the choice is yours.

How are you supposed to choose?

Do you agree? And if so, which would you choose, and why?

A Hero Lies In YOU

I FINALLY completed phase 2 of operation Turn the Jungle into a Yard...

Our backyard, is tiny, and it was a DISASTER. 

It was literally nothing but weeds.. some of the weirdest looking plants I have ever seen. Some looked like tiny trees, and other resembled heart of romaine lettuce.. There was trash and junk everywhere. And it looked janky, because 1) they didn't dig down when they poured the concrete, so our fence is about to fall over and 2) the crappy fence led us to use chicken wire and large rocks to barricade Polar in, in a last ditch effort to keep him from escaping.

Tired of being pasty white and not having a place for the kids to play outside, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Over the last two weeks I have spent hours on our yard... Not easy when there isn't enough time in the day as it is.. Anyway, I probably gave myself carpal tunnel syndrome while treating the entire yard with weed and grass killer (I wasn't smart enough to get a continuous sprayer lol). I also gave my neighbors plenty to laugh at as I stood back there in 'protective clothing', my brown knee high boots (not the cute ones with heels, the flat ones), and Nathan's ugly army goggles spraying, raking, and pulling away.

I finally finished today, and I must say, I'm pretty impressed with myself. 

During this process, I decapitated a frog with the lawnmower, hesitated and DIDN'T decapitate the stupid vole that has been attacking our house for months, I found siding, busted bird eggs, markers, beer cans, towels, a blanket, two cans of cooking spray, grilling tools, a stereo speaker, cups, my tupperware (Nathan is lucky he isn't here ;)), socks, a dead rodent (once again, Nathan is lucky) and plenty of other things..

Tomorrow I get to rough up the soil, possibly lay some more, and plant grass. I can't wait to see if it actually works!

Anyway, as I was outside being Mrs. Fix It and cursing at not having a man around lol, I found myself humming, and visualizing the sign language to a song... A song that brings back wonderful memories, and reminds me of my husband.

If any of my old REACH buddies are reading this, you're probably shaking your head.

The song is by Mariah Carey, and we performed it for classrooms and audiences. I don't know that I will ever forget the signs.

More than that, I will never forget the teacher that had us do this.

This is the same teacher that has inspired me and affected my life in more ways that I know.

I give her credit for my creativity and confidence, both of which have led to the success of my photography.

Mrs. Brenda Fatchette helped shape me into the person I am today. She inspired me, she believed in me, and she made a lasting impression. She is one of the greatest women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and it is because of her that I am going to school to become a teacher. I want to follow in her footsteps, and I want the chance to work with other gifted children, to channel their special skills into productivity. 

In REACH, I fit in. I was able to expand my horizons, and it kept me from being bored in a classroom, which could have ultimately led to trouble. I made some friends that I will never forget. Even though I don't speak to some of them often, or even at all, I feel as if we all have a special connection to one another. I will never forget the days of Dopey, Carmen Sandiego, TanGrams, and stickers.

I will never forget Shine Night, and putting on a skit featuring Stone Cold and HHH. 

I will never forget all of the times we had to prepare to be videotaped giving a report.

I will never forget learning French, although I have forgotten most of it, (except the songs).

I will never forget holding our mock election in 2000.

Mostly, I will never forget selling pickles, for .25 each, to raise money for a 9/11 memorial bench.

I will never forget the way we banded together during this horrible time, and I never would have guessed that those attacks would lead me to the life I live today. The life that makes me so proud of my husband, my hero.

Hero

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are

There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
And you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold

You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Oh ho, Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away, hey yea

Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time, you find the way, hey

Then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

That a hero lies in you
Mmm, that a hero lies in you

I CAN

Today started out rough, and it didn't help that last night ended rough.
Sometimes I just wish people would think about others' feelings..

Anyway, this morning was pretty insane. I woke up needing to see my doctor again, and ended up not being able to go when I was planning on it because I lost my military ID (that is a whole different story). This threw off my whole morning, and just when I thought things couldn't get worse.. they did.

I think it is every mom's worst fear to run out of wipes or diapers. I mean, what can you do if that situation arises? I know.. it is easily prevented.. it isn't hard to buy the things you need most. But for me lately, it is. I've always been scatterbrained (understatement lol) but with this deployment things are just so much more hectic. Time is flying by and I'm struggling to stay afloat, but I have to. So, I stocked up on diapers and wipes.. But I forgot Hallie, the wipe monster, likes to pull them out like tissues. So when she did this to the pack this morning, I was sure we had a pack left in our beach bag.. and we headed off to the splash park to meet our neighbor.

When we left the splash park, I realized there wasn't a pack in the beach bag.. at least not one that had wipes in it. So, we went straight to the PX to get some before disaster struck.

But remember, I lost my military id.. so I couldn't even get into the PX. I could've gone to WalMart, but once again, I couldn't get back on post without my id. At this point, Hallie was mad she had to get out of the cool rocket-ship cart before riding around, and I was even more embarrassed, angry, and tired from lugging my chunkers around. We went home to tear apart the house and car, to no avail. I sat down to sulk, not knowing what to do.

And then I remembered.. I bought pizza last night. Pizza that was in the fridge.. :)
Yup.. I found my id not only in the fridge, but in the pizza box. (Have I mentioned I need a BREAK?!)

Just as things are starting to look up, it happens. Hallie needs changed, and it is nasty. Nasty diaper + no wipes = crying Mommy. As both kids stared at me wondering what was wrong, I started to break down.

At this point, Hallie knew something was wrong, and I guess she assumed it was her and her diaper, so she removed it and sat on her potty. If only life were that simple, Sweet Baby Girl.
I knew I had to do something, so I took a deep breath, prepared to find some way to make our situation work long enough to get to the store. And I knew I had to do it fast, because Kyle had prunes last night, and he was a ticking time bomb.

I ended up remembering about our travel wipe cases stored in Hallie's room, and thank God there were wipes in one of them. This simple discovery made me feel redeemed, just enough to push through.
(It is sad the things you get excited about as a parent haha)

Anyway, I'll move on to the point. We made it to the store without incident, and I was feeling much less stressed. Lesson learned, and another example of all of the things that were easier with Nathan around. If this had happened, one of us could've easily ran to the store..

Since my day was shot, we decided to completely wing it.
We ate cold pizza, and drove all the way to Alexander Bay to meet a friend and play at the park.
Hallie swung on the big girl swing.
We went exploring, and got ice cream.
We got chicken nuggets without feeling guilty.
We came home and didn't pick up after ourselves immediately.
I stood and watched as Hallie climbed to get the bread and peanut butter and make herself a sandwich.
I even stood back and watched in wonder as Hallie got a cup and the apple juice, and poured me a glass.
I watched as she spilled it, and giggled as she mimicked me in scooting around on paper towels to wipe it up.
I drank it, even though I wasn't thirsty, because I was so proud of the little woman she is becoming.
I let Hallie give Kyle a taste of chocolate pudding, and then another, and another.
We ate on the couch, and I'm okay with the fact that it now needs cleaned, even though it was cleaned yesterday.

Heck, yesterday I even slipped back into wedding dress, and journeyed through the park with my hooligans and an amazing photographer/amazing person to get bridal portraits taken.

MY EPIPHANY

I CAN feel beautiful.

I CAN make my own decisions. I CAN make mistakes. I CAN control my attitude. I CAN make it through anything.

I was free this evening. Free from worrying, free from doing for others, free from this monotony we call life.
And it felt damn good.

Sneak Peek of the bridal portraits, by Kristen Charles Photography

www.kristencharlesphotography.com

Love the one you're with?

I've always HATED the song Love the One You're With.


Who wants to feel like  a second choice? Isn't the point of love finding someone you can't live without?

Watching Secret Life of the American Teenager the other night, there was a moment where Amy and Ben made eye contact just before Ben's wedding, and this song started playing in my head.

Due to complications, it would be extremely difficult for these two to be together. It is easier for Amy to be with Ricky and for Ben to be with Adrian. Does this mean they don't still love the others? I'm not sure.. Maybe they fell out of love to fall into love with the others, or maybe it is an out of sight, out of mind thing. And in that case, maybe they really do love their new partners.

We will never know if they would've fallen in love if they could've stayed with their first loves. Do they love the new ones because they're able to be with them, or was all of this caused by fate?

Obviously this blog post isn't about The Secret Life of the American Teenager but it sparked these thoughts..

My question is: Can you love with your head and your heart? And what if they don't agree? Can you love someone with both, or just one of each?

What do you think?

"Make it a great day, or not. The choice is yours."

Each day I surprise myself a little more. And each day I get asked 'How do you do it?'

I'm not sure exactly; I just DO.

Now that things are finally settling down, I am able to sit here and think about the last few weeks, and once again, I am completely surprised by and proud of myself.

One of the things I heard the most before Nathan left was this: Everything that can go wrong, will.

^ True statement right there.

In all honesty, the last week has tested my patience, my endurance, and my sanity. Looking back now, it is the closest to Hell I have ever been.

As you probably know, we've all been sick, and we had a meningitis scare last night. As a mother, I have never been as scared as I was yesterday. The thought of my daughter convulsing and sobbing the way she was, paired with the stiff neck still gets my heart racing. Thankfully, she is alright now - back to her mess-making self :).

It seems as if it has been one thing after another, and it has been. We have all been trading illnesses since the day after we arrived in Missouri. Each time the kids get better, I get sick, and visa versa. I found out today I have a severe sinus infection, strep, and pinkeye. The sinus infection has been going on for a couple of weeks, but I was pushing through, putting my children first. Now that I am not worrying about their health, I'm realizing just how miserable I feel. I could hit the ground and the only reason I haven't, is because I couldn't.

This year is definitely a test of my strength and endurance. I've realized you never know your limits, if you don't push them.

I now know that I can take care of a household, bills, two children, and run a business all while extremely ill, sleep deprived, and worried about my husband.

I have vacuumed the living room five times today, and shampooed different areas of the carpet twice. I have changed approximately 16 diapers and put three new outfits on Kyle. I have put each child in, and removed from the carseat three times, and washed and put away five loads of laundry.

I have learned life saving tricks, like parking next to a cart return stall to make grocery trips easier. I now know how to kill and re-plant a lawn, and how to order wheels and tires for a car.I'm now confident enough to ask questions, put myself out there, and ask for help. Some days, google and wikihow are my absolute best friends.

A year ago, or even six months ago, I would've been stressed and angry for having to do all of this alone, yet suddenly, I have patience. I don't get upset at Hallie for her messes, I fight to suppress a giggle, and make sure that I document what she has done.

The best part, I'm smiling as I type this. Because I am proud of myself, because things could be worse, and because this deployment has already changed my attitude and outlook.

 I used to hate it when they announced over the PHS intercom: Make it a great day, or not. The choice is yours. Now, this is the what I wake up and remind myself of every day.

I am so much happier because of this realization, and I strongly believe you make the choice to have a good day or a bad day.

I am constantly seeing everyone complaining, and I'll admit, I do so too. In fact, these are some of my complaints today, and then the result of looking on the 'bright side'.

"It is hot in this house!" - It is 100+ degrees in Afghanistan right now, and that is before the gear.
"My neighbors are so loud!" - I don't hear gunfire and explosions.
"I miss my husband, and a year is so long" - I know he is safe, and even a year is temporary.
"I have no help with the kids" - We have a roof over our heads, food to eat, and I have the means to take care of them, even if it is difficult on my own.

It would be so easy to get caught up in my problems, but by remembering these things, it is just as easy to push through:

Remember to be kind to everyone you meet, because you never know what they could be dealing with. Remember that no matter how tough or impossible a situation seems, it could be worse. Remember how blessed you are, and try to take joy in the small things you normally take for granted. Most importantly, remember that most problems are temporary and try to find the humor, or at the very least, the bright side. You may have to look for it, but I promise it is there.

I will never again take health and free time for granted. After lacking both for weeks, things are finally settling down. I can't wait to continue enjoying life in the coming weeks. As much as I have enjoyed it at rock bottom, it can only go up from here.