Today has been a pretty typical day.. So much to do, and not enough time to do it. Sent of a couple more care packages [eight in four weeks, my husband is spoiled.. with love] and some pictures and videos of the kids. Somewhere inbetween all of the craziness of life with two kids, I had an epiphany. Okay, maybe not exactly.. but I'm finally starting to understand something that has been eating at me for awhile.
I've never been good at friendships, or emotions, or letting people in. But I feel like I have come a long way in the last few months, especially the last thirty one days (not like I'm keeping a count :P). Just writing this blog is a big step for me. I actually teared up when I went to re-read last nights entry.. which got me FOUR, Count 'em, FOUR followers last night lol.
Anyway, being in my hometown has brought on a whirlwind of emotions. Memories with my husband, missing my childhood, and missing our new home in New York. Yes, I said home in NY - not sure when Drum became our home, but at some point over the last year, it did. But it has also brought a lot of frustration. I don't feel like I fit in here. How can you live in such a small town for 14 years, know everyone by name, go to school with the same classmates each year, and not fit in?
This is what I have been struggling with:
Over the last month, I have gotten tons of supportive, encouraging email.
What is wrong with that?
Nothing.
It has helped keep me going. These people will never know how much their simple words and random acts of kindness have meant to me. Everyone wants a friend, wants to be understood, and wants a shoulder to lean on. Everyone loves encouragement.
Why am I complaining?
I'm not. I am very thankful for the people I have in my life.
Here is the kicker...
The people most present in my life right now aren't the ones I expected to be there.
The majority of this support has come from the most random people. Classmates I never really got to know, and women who I have only known for a few months. Actually, some of them I have never met, and yet I feel like they know me. Like they know exactly what I'm going through, what I need to hear, and like they have known me for years. This is how life should be right? Everyone supporting one another.
Needless to say, this is frustrating. How can there be such differences with the peoople in my life? Here, I find myself worried when I go out in public here. Worried about going to the gym, worried about who I will run into at WalMart, worried about the rumors that may start if I am seen by the wrong person while saying hello to an old classmate, struggling with my friendships. This is my hometown. Where I grew up, where I graduated, where I was raised, yet I feel this out of place. Mind boggling.
This is getting lengthy, so I'll try to wrap it up.
I find myself feeling guilty, and somewhat greedy for wanting support from certain people. Do I need it? No. But would it be nice? Heck yes.
Nothing hurts more than being let down. It is bittersweet to see my life and my friendships changing this way. Part of me wants to cling to the old ones - change is scary.
My epiphany today was that everything happens for a reason. All of the struggles and hardships from two years ago that I couldn't understand, make perfect sense now. I'm just hoping that the changes taking place now make sense in the future.
I have a blog but haven't posted in so, so long - maybe I'll get back to it.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to comment and let you know how much I feel you have changed since you moved to NY and how much I like the changes. The transformation is truly amazing!
Not that you weren't a wonderful person before, but getting away and growing up and learning things for yourself has changed you in a way that I cannot explain. You are so much more outgoing and happy and whatever you're doing, keep it up!!