Defining moments

When I look back on my 20 years of life, there seem to be certain bullets on my timeline.

Some typical, like getting my first dog (Wishbone), and riding without training wheels for the first time (because my dad tricked me..)
Some not so typical, like the first school dance my sophomore year, or my camera falling into a lake.

This thought process began because
One year ago today, my oldest brother got married... on a lake. And right after the ceremony, a family member knocked my camera into that lake.
At the time, it was more of an aggravation than a defining moment. I was 8 months pregnant, and obviously wanted to have a camera to be able to keep
everyone updated on the kiddies once we headed back to New York.
At the time, I thought this camera was wonderful, and I was so sad because of the untimely death. I wouldn't have purchased a new camera anytime in the
near future.. unless another 'tragedy' struck.

But because of all of the life changing events coming up, we decided to spend a little bit extra and get a better camera. Nothing too fancy, a lower line
Canon Rebel. At the time, I had no idea what DSLR's were capable of, but it seemed like a good investment for our growing family.
Today I use that camera to keep my husband up to date with the growth of our children, and for my photography.

As the one year anniversary of my camera's death approached, I realized how much that single accident has affected my life in the last few months. I developed a love for something new, something that pushes me to challenge myself, and something that helps me pass the time with Nathan gone. My temporary love and a hobby that I can pour my whole heart into throughout this year.

I started wondering to myself how things would be different if that one accident didn't happen.

How did such a trivial event become a 'bullet' on my time line, and what other events could be considered the same?

So, here they are.. Some of the things that have influenced my life; Most of which were thoughts that never came full circle until today.

There are big things like:
Having my beautiful, wonderful, amazing children .
Marrying Nathan, moving to New York, and making some amazing friends and experiencing new things.
All of my years of dance and extracurriculars that led me to be confident in and comfortable with myself,
created friendships and bonds, and led me to one of my biggest role models.
The divorce that resulted in my best friend moving.
Mistakes that have given the opportunity for forgiveness, helping my marriage to grow.


Silly things like:
The job change/move that ended the relationship with my 'first love' lol..
The NSYNC and Spice Girls dance parties and red bull nights that bonded me with my BFF's.
Fighting over boys, only to realize they weren't as important as we first thought.


And the random, crazy little things like:
The myspace message that started my marriage.
Needing help with luggage and meeting a great new friend.
A long ago lock in where I met two other very special friends.
Small town run-ins that refresh old friendships.

Anyway..
I enjoyed remembering most of these things today, and it will give me something to ponder

Does each small action really have the potential to change a life?
Does everything really happen for a reason beyond our control, or do we have some/all of the power to control our own destiny?
And if so, how much say do we have in the  matter? 
Scary, exciting, nerve wracking, and exhilarating thoughts..

If I

I haven't blogged at all during this extended vacation (way extended lol).

The reason for the lack of blogging is mainly this:
I'm an emotional mess nowadays.

We're now into month 6 of this deployment (can you believe it?!) and things just seem to be getting harder; crazier.

As much as I hate it when people say 'You just don't understand', that has been my main thought this vacation. 

Maybe it is because I'm emotional. Or maybe I'm emotional from this constant frustration. Or maybe it is because I'm away from my fellow army wives - or battle sisters.

While I don't feel the need to justify myself to anyone other than my husband, I find myself wanting to scream these things at people. 

So I'm going to do it. 

Right here.

If I...

*Seem emotional, I am. And each blackout, casualty, KIA, and day that passes without my husband makes things a little harder.

*Am more blunt, or open about my thoughts and feelings, it is because I have learned to be. I have learned to not hold things in, because I never know when it will be too late to say what I was thinking. 

*Want to end each day on good terms with those I care about, it is because I've gotten used to the thought that each conversation could be the last.

*Look like this is easy, that's because I'm trying to make it look that way. 

*Sometimes let it all out, whether in a positive or negative way, to those close to me it is because I am sick of trying to be strong for everyone else.

*Look at my phone too often, it is usually because I haven't heard from my husband in days, and I'm either checking to see if he is online, refreshing my email, flipping through pictures, and just wishing I knew what was going on.

*Act like I can't wait to get home, it's because that was the place I have lived with my husband for the last year as a family. It is where my memories are, where my life is.

*Shop a lot, well, that is because it makes me feel better. Right, or wrong, it helps.

*Look like I've spent a lot of time with friends - I have. Believe me, I would much rather be with my husband (no offense) but I can't have that right now - and I can't see these friends often. 

*Look like I've been crying, I probably have been. And I think I have plenty of reasons for that. 

*Seem like I've changed, I have. Think back to where you were 6 months, or a year ago. People change, and just because half of my heart is missing, doesn't mean I'm an exception to that.

*Put more effort into looking good, that is because I like to feel good. There are days that I want to do nothing but lay in bed and have a pity party.. But I can't do that. Every day, my life has to go on. I have to keep up with two kids, and if I am no good to myself, I cant be good to them. It is amazing what a shower, nice outfit, and makeup can do for a bad attitude. 

*Close myself off sometimes - I'm not doing it to hurt anyone. I just know that most people won't know what to say. Some days there is nothing that can be said, and it saves us both frustration. 

*Don't ask for help, it is probably because I wish I didn't have to ask.

If I seem to do things you don't agree with, that is okay. 

If you don't think I'm a good wife, be glad I'm not married to you. 

If you can't handle me at my worst, please don't be around when I'm back to my best.

I am nowhere near perfect, and I know this. But please, please, don't feel like it is your place to try to figure out what I am doing, or why. 

To be honest, things are a mess in this head of mine, and unless you've walked a few miles in my new shoes, there is no way you can begin to navigate through this jumble of emotions.

My simplified life plan

Plan A) Make no mistakes, and never hurt anyone. 

Plan B) Realize that plan A will sometimes fail. And when it does, be strong enough to be honest, apologize, and move forward. 

And when on the other side of this, be strong enough to forgive.

 

Through all of these changes, there are a few things that remain constant. 

My love for my family, and my heart are two of these.

The biggest thing I wish people would remember is this..

No matter how many different our lives our, we all have these things in common.

We all have someone we miss, things we wish we hadn't done, and personality flaws.

So here it is, I've admitted that I am a mess, I make mistakes, and I can be a little crazy.

And this is me saying I'm okay with that, and if you matter, you will be too.