Hidden Eyes

The theme this week at iheartfaces is Beautiful Eyes.

I feel like I'm bending the rules here, but there is no rule saying the eyes in this photo must be open.

This picture was taken at a wedding, the wedding of one of a couple you could totally tell was in love.

In this shot,I think their closed eyes make the picture. I love how their smiles and pure bliss are shown all the way up to their eyes.

Memory

Tonight, I am organizing my photos, as well as getting rid of a bunch of files.

I can't help but wonder why the same can't be done with actual memories.

It has been twenty weeks since Nathan left. Twenty weeks of living on memories. Some good, some great, some that I wish I could delete altogether, and some that I shouldn't want to keep.

And yet, they're all there. Especially the ones that I want deleted.
But I can't, or I haven't found a way to yet.

As much as I hate dwelling on the negative things in the past, I sometimes can't help it.
Things as simple as a friend wondering aloud how someone is doing, bring these memories rushing back. And then my stomach starts to churn, and my anger builds. This brings on similar memories, and suddenly things are spiraling out of control. I'm in a bad mood, and my day is ruined.

So what do you do then? What do you do when the bad seems to outweigh the good?
I wish I could cheat my mind into forgetting the negativity, but then the present would be a lie.
A fresh start sounds appealing, but there are some things I don't want to forget. And even then, I'm not sure humans are capable of 'fresh starts' because of the way we remember things.

It is hitting me tonight that each small decision in life in some way has a much larger impact in the long run.

Why are some memories so much stronger than others?

What do you do when you can't/don't want to forget?

And what do you do when you don't know what to do?

Change - A necessary part of life?

It's 1AM and I'm blogging. Because I feel like I have to. I feel like I have to get this out.

At some point while I was running tonight, we get on the subject of moving. And then a song (which I now can't remember) came on about change.

Change seems to be the story of my life lately. Not big changes.. well, other than the blonde hair (big change for me).
But little things.. from drinking coffee, finally giving in to the iPhone trend, listening to different music..
And then bigger things... like dressing differently, changing our home decor (and hopefully getting a larger home)..
And then the biggest thing: Being able to make these decisions on my own. Being able to do everything on my own.

I remember moving to New York. Technically not my first move, but it was the first move that was more than down the street. And I remember joining Nathan 20 days later and arriving to a car, house, furniture, and dog that I did not have 20 days prior.

It was kind of exciting, and it kind of sucked.
None of the changes were bad, but they were still changes. Changes that I didn't take part in, and they took some getting used to.

So remembering this, adds one more struggle to this year long list.

It is too early to even start thinking about the end of this, but I already know that it isn't going to be easy. It will be another one of those 'joys' of deployment that gets thrown in as an extra.
RANT- People don't realize that there is oh so much more to this year than the big D-word. It is more than just a year  of the obvious: being apart, missing your spouse, and a year of being alone. There are so many other emotions that come out of the woodwork - for example: guilt.

As if coming home after taking part in a war isn't hard enough, it will only be the beginning of the end. Nathan will also have to adjust to living with the three of us again. He left a 4 month old, and a 23 month old.. He will be returning to a 16 month old and an almost 3 year old. When your entire life consists of 3 years, this one year away from your parent accounts for 1/3 of your entire life. Obviously they will have to get to know each other again.
From the developed personality, and eating habits, all the way to schedules and routines..
These things are inevitable. But add to them all of the changes I have been making.. Just the thought makes my head spin.

On one hand, I feel like it is a good thing that I'm still living life as normal as possible.
On the other hand, I feel guilty. Guilty and selfish. For putting myself first and making the changes I want to make. For not putting my life on hold for a year. For causing additional changes above and beyond the inevitable ones with the kiddies.

Not all of the changes (or really any) are negative changes. In fact, I feel like I have grown so much.
I can now change a fuse in my car (which I need to do AGAIN) and the simple fact that I can open up about my feelings is a huge change.

I fear that my husband will feel like he doesn't know me. And that he may not like me as he gets to know me again. Or that he will resent me for the things that have changed.

I fear that being alone is becoming too easy, or that I am getting too good at it.

Tonight, I am blogging instead of sleeping because I fear that these changes could result in a change between us.

Now that it has been said aloud (well, typed) I feel a little better, and not like a crazy person with irrational fears. I hope they end up being irrational.
And now, to pray like hell before heading to bed.

Please tell me I'm not alone.