Tonight, I am organizing my photos, as well as getting rid of a bunch of files.
I can't help but wonder why the same can't be done with actual memories.
It has been twenty weeks since Nathan left. Twenty weeks of living on memories. Some good, some great, some that I wish I could delete altogether, and some that I shouldn't want to keep.
And yet, they're all there. Especially the ones that I want deleted.
But I can't, or I haven't found a way to yet.
As much as I hate dwelling on the negative things in the past, I sometimes can't help it.
Things as simple as a friend wondering aloud how someone is doing, bring these memories rushing back. And then my stomach starts to churn, and my anger builds. This brings on similar memories, and suddenly things are spiraling out of control. I'm in a bad mood, and my day is ruined.
So what do you do then? What do you do when the bad seems to outweigh the good?
I wish I could cheat my mind into forgetting the negativity, but then the present would be a lie.
A fresh start sounds appealing, but there are some things I don't want to forget. And even then, I'm not sure humans are capable of 'fresh starts' because of the way we remember things.
It is hitting me tonight that each small decision in life in some way has a much larger impact in the long run.
Why are some memories so much stronger than others?
What do you do when you can't/don't want to forget?
And what do you do when you don't know what to do?
These are extremely tough questions. I have a bottomless pit of memories it seems, I hold on to so many old memories and emotions, that it weighs me down and stresses me out. When I can't get them out of my head I write them down on a piece of paper and put them in my memento box. it holds all of the items that's I've held near and dear to me (photos, BFF necklaces, even candle wax from when my friends and I tried to have a seance) and then I can forget about it for the time being. but I wish I knew why some things (even stupid things) stuck out more than others did. was it because mentally and emotionally we were more tied to those moments, or are we simply trying to hold on to them tighter for some emotional purpose of our own?? really tough, really really tough
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