If I

I haven't blogged at all during this extended vacation (way extended lol).

The reason for the lack of blogging is mainly this:
I'm an emotional mess nowadays.

We're now into month 6 of this deployment (can you believe it?!) and things just seem to be getting harder; crazier.

As much as I hate it when people say 'You just don't understand', that has been my main thought this vacation. 

Maybe it is because I'm emotional. Or maybe I'm emotional from this constant frustration. Or maybe it is because I'm away from my fellow army wives - or battle sisters.

While I don't feel the need to justify myself to anyone other than my husband, I find myself wanting to scream these things at people. 

So I'm going to do it. 

Right here.

If I...

*Seem emotional, I am. And each blackout, casualty, KIA, and day that passes without my husband makes things a little harder.

*Am more blunt, or open about my thoughts and feelings, it is because I have learned to be. I have learned to not hold things in, because I never know when it will be too late to say what I was thinking. 

*Want to end each day on good terms with those I care about, it is because I've gotten used to the thought that each conversation could be the last.

*Look like this is easy, that's because I'm trying to make it look that way. 

*Sometimes let it all out, whether in a positive or negative way, to those close to me it is because I am sick of trying to be strong for everyone else.

*Look at my phone too often, it is usually because I haven't heard from my husband in days, and I'm either checking to see if he is online, refreshing my email, flipping through pictures, and just wishing I knew what was going on.

*Act like I can't wait to get home, it's because that was the place I have lived with my husband for the last year as a family. It is where my memories are, where my life is.

*Shop a lot, well, that is because it makes me feel better. Right, or wrong, it helps.

*Look like I've spent a lot of time with friends - I have. Believe me, I would much rather be with my husband (no offense) but I can't have that right now - and I can't see these friends often. 

*Look like I've been crying, I probably have been. And I think I have plenty of reasons for that. 

*Seem like I've changed, I have. Think back to where you were 6 months, or a year ago. People change, and just because half of my heart is missing, doesn't mean I'm an exception to that.

*Put more effort into looking good, that is because I like to feel good. There are days that I want to do nothing but lay in bed and have a pity party.. But I can't do that. Every day, my life has to go on. I have to keep up with two kids, and if I am no good to myself, I cant be good to them. It is amazing what a shower, nice outfit, and makeup can do for a bad attitude. 

*Close myself off sometimes - I'm not doing it to hurt anyone. I just know that most people won't know what to say. Some days there is nothing that can be said, and it saves us both frustration. 

*Don't ask for help, it is probably because I wish I didn't have to ask.

If I seem to do things you don't agree with, that is okay. 

If you don't think I'm a good wife, be glad I'm not married to you. 

If you can't handle me at my worst, please don't be around when I'm back to my best.

I am nowhere near perfect, and I know this. But please, please, don't feel like it is your place to try to figure out what I am doing, or why. 

To be honest, things are a mess in this head of mine, and unless you've walked a few miles in my new shoes, there is no way you can begin to navigate through this jumble of emotions.

My simplified life plan

Plan A) Make no mistakes, and never hurt anyone. 

Plan B) Realize that plan A will sometimes fail. And when it does, be strong enough to be honest, apologize, and move forward. 

And when on the other side of this, be strong enough to forgive.

 

Through all of these changes, there are a few things that remain constant. 

My love for my family, and my heart are two of these.

The biggest thing I wish people would remember is this..

No matter how many different our lives our, we all have these things in common.

We all have someone we miss, things we wish we hadn't done, and personality flaws.

So here it is, I've admitted that I am a mess, I make mistakes, and I can be a little crazy.

And this is me saying I'm okay with that, and if you matter, you will be too.