Happiness

"People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." -Abraham Lincoln


I'm not happy about having my husband gone.. Obviously. And I've tried to make myself as happy as can be the last six months. Sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to make the best out of a bad situation - which I guess is true. I was recently called out on some of the things I'm doing 'to make myself happy' and when I tried to defend myself, I realized how completely wrong I have been in the ways I've tried to find happiness.


And then it hit me - there are different kinds of happiness.


What used to make me happy, doesn't any more.
What makes you happy, may not make me happy.. and visa versa. 


On the surface, it doesn't take much to make me 'happy'. 
A nap, carton of Ben&Jerry's, bouquet of flowers, or a new outfit are all easy ways to make me happy.


But with these things, the happiness fades away. 
When the ice cream is gone, flowers are dead, and the outfit isn't so new any more.. that high is gone. 

To be honest..

More than a glass of wine never leaves me with anything more than a headache and an empty feeling. 

My boys B&J leave me feeling fat and wanting to run.

Nights out usually leave me tired and thinking I would've been just as happy home with my kiddies.

Hanging out with friends makes me happy, but where I was once happy with going to a party, I am now happy with a playdate, or a lunch date. 

There are things that I hate to do, but I know will make me happy later..
Like running, passing up that dessert, or going to school. 




Then there are the things that will make me happy as long as I live. 
Being a good mother, wife and friend makes me happy, in one of the purest ways.

The tickling, giggling, snuggling, and laughing with my children will always put a lasting smile on my face. And the memories of this will last even longer.
The dates, inside jokes, and now phone calls and letters from my husband make my heart smile.
89 years of marriage, cooking dinner, and supporting my husband will make me happy. 



I have two beautiful kids, a stable home, and a beautiful life. 
I have a handsome husband who consistently shows me the true meaning of love; He knows every thing about me and still loves me, even when I feel unworthy of him. He is putting himself aside in a way I can't even fathom, to be sure that we all have safe happy lives here. 
I have a wonderful family, even if they are sometimes a little crazy.
I have great friends, even if they aren't the ones I always thought would be there. 




And even with these happy things in my life, I sometimes feel like I need more.




I sometimes see these people, and I can almost feel something radiating from them.. Something special, and I can never quite put my finger on what it is. Something always pulls my attention to it, and I want it; Whatever it is, leaves me feeling like I am lacking something. 


In the past I have tried to fill this void with a slew of other things - each leaving me a little more empty than the last. 


Finally, I have realized that I am looking for; What these people have.



What I don't have is the assurance of everlasting happiness. 
I don't wake up each day knowing that I am living my life in the best way that I can.
I don't wake up and feel comfortable with the thought that this day could be my last.
I am not where I want to be spiritually, and this is what I am missing out on.


I don't want to be just a good woman, I want to be a Godly woman.
And I don't want to just be happy with myself, I want to lead a lifestyle that will please him.

These are the things that will make me eternally happy. 


I have realized that there are many different kinds of happiness, and different ways to get there. 


Some are temporary, and some come after the fact. 
Some are genuine.
And one is eternal. 


And I need and want all of these, in some amount.


I want to be surprised with flowers occasionally.
I want to indulge in ice cream and wine in moderation. 
I want to keep up with my friends, even as the type of friendship changes. 
I want the satisfaction of finishing school and being physically fit, even if it isn't always easy.
I want good relationships with the people I love.
I want my family to continue to blossom, until I can sit on my porch with my husband and marvel over the accomplishments of our grown children. 
I want to be a better person, and I want to build a relationship with God now.
I want to help my children and husband build their relationship with Him.
I want to be the family that prays together, attends church together, and stays together. 


I want to be happy, in every way. 


Now that I can see my goal, I'm ready to go after it.