I have actually had a wonderful couple of weeks. The Strong Bonds retreat in ABay was 100% fun, 37% crazy, and 10% out of control. I had some much needed fun and free time, and I enjoyed bonding with some of the other women. It is always nice to know that others have been through what you are going through, especially when they have overcome their struggles and their scars aren't visible today.
So, that is what I have been telling myself. Sometimes I feel like I have a giant 'x' on my forehead, and horrific scars from all of the times I've been emotionally hurt. Sometimes I need to step back to remember that they are only 'visible' to me because I know that they are there.
As nice as it was to be able to connect with others through these battle wounds, it also pulled everything to the surface. Lately, all I can do is think about all of the times I have been hurt, and that is making things difficult. The only thing worse than these memories, is being left to deal with them alone.
It just seems like every time I feel ready to put something in the past and leave it alone, something similar happens and brings all of the old emotions rushing back. I find myself mad over things that happened ages ago, and even more I find myself basing my opinions of people on the ever-expanding knowledge of 'who they are'. Are they really that way as a person? Or are these just separate instances, all curiously related?
There comes a point when people need to let go. But what about when you are unable to? How can you stay in a frienship/marriage/any relationship when you can only foresee conflict and hurt when imagining that relationship in 10, 20 years down the road? How can someone stand to put themselves in a situation that they despise, or into a lifelong scenario with someone they despise?
Or am I wrong in this despise?
In the last 10 days, so many things have changed, but at the same time, nothing really has. In fact, the biggest change has been in myself. I am realizing that I am capable of anything. That I make my own decisions, and I truly can do what I want. Not without consequences, because EVERY choice has consequences.. but I do control my life.
And with that realization comes some understanding.. Anyone is capable of anything. There is however, a difference in understanding how something less than favorable could happen, and condoning the same thing. While overall there is a fine line between right and wrong, there are also shades of gray when it comes down to an instant, and you factor in all of the variables.
While you may see someones actions and listen to what they have to say, you can never truly know their heart. Like my invisible scars, I sometimes forget that people can't be as sure of my intentions as I am. I would hate to be judged based only upon my actions and not the bigger picture of things.. (Take, for instance.. murder. If you kill someone in self defense, it is understandable to most. In all reality, black and white, you killed someone. It is the circumstance that determines the reaction.)
Yet, knowing this, I still find myself judging others based on the things they have done to me. I'm not saying if you cut me off driving once I still hold a grudge lol.. I do, however, find myself holding a grudge against those who have hurt me multiple times, or done 'bad' things multiple times.
So here it is: the peek at the questions floating around in my crazy, scatterbrained, unorganized mind.
1) Are people bad? Or do people just do bad things?
2) At what point does the bad overcome the good? Or after how many times can you assume that a person is bad?
3) Can you really truly forgive and forget? And if you can.. how long are you supposed to hold onto those memories?
4) Can people change? And more importantly: How do you know if someone has changed, or if that someone is a manipulative person capable of fooling you and others?
5) At what point do you remove yourself from a situation if you do determine someone is 'bad'. Whether it be bad in general, or just bad for you.
6) When is it okay to tell somebody no? How do you ask someone to choose between two things that should never have to be chosen between? Is asking this person to choose bad on my part, or is it the other's fault for knowingly putting us in this situation?
And finally.. am I the only one that has a system of judging others, all the while knowing that it is wrong to judge, and that I hate being judged on things that nobody else can fully grasp? Do you struggle with similar things? Am I the only hypocrite, or am I one at all.. or am I the only one willing to admit it?
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