You Don't Get It

I couldn't count the times in a day this phrase runs through my head.

Before I begin, this is not, in any way, me complaining about my husband.

The last time I spoke to Nathan, I got news I didn't want to hear. A platoon in their company has recently switched places with his platoon. In the first weeks, they have had a difficult time, and quite a few injuries. One of the more serious injuries, is of a man I don't know, but Nathan does know well.

So. Many. Emotions.
Part of me is relieved it isn't his platoon, and it seems like they got out of there just in time.
Another part of me hates that part, because I wish it wasn't happening to any platoon, any soldier, any family.
Part of me is angry, that someone so young, with so much ahead of them have can have life change so quickly.
Part of me is afraid, because I know this is one of the realities of war.
Part of me aches, because I can't be with my husband to comfort him .
Part of me is proud, that there are people willing to sacrifice these things for our freedom.

Needless to say, the last two days have been hard. And needless to say, none of my hometown friends get it.
I know how people get angry at those words, but they are so very true.

This is what I mean, when I say you don't get it.

1) My husband is away, for a year.
Yes, I know that boyfriends, fiances, and husbands can have to leave for reasons other than war.
And no, I'm not saying that people don't have a right to miss others.
Absence is hard, whether it is for a day, week, year, or a lifetime.
But.. before you come complaining to me about missing your boyfriend this weekend while he is vacationing, use some common sense.
Before you tell me how long that is, realize that I already know.
4 Seasons. 52 Weeks. A calendar of holidays and birthdays. A child's first year of life. 365 days. 8760 hours.


2) This means that I am alone.
Yes, I knew this would eventually happen. And once again, any time without your love is lonely.
365 days of doing everything on my own.
Little things, like taking out the trash, changing tons of diapers, and cutting the grass.
Big things, like running a household, and taking care of two children..
Things that are taken for granted, like hugs, cuddling, encouragement, shopping trips, dates, or eating dinner together.
I can't call my husband when I forgot an item at the store, when the car is acting up, when I've forgotten something at home, or when I'm having a bad day.
I don't know when my husband will call, or that we won't get cut off mid-sentence because of a tragedy.
I do know, that we have went 10+ days without communication - which doesn't bother me as much as the reason that he isn't able to call.

3) He is in constant danger.
Yes, the world is a dangerous place, and tragedies happen everywhere. But most people don't spend every day wondering what kind of danger their love is facing.
A year, could be a breeze. A year long vacation - I'll miss you.
A year long deployment - I'm wondering if I'll miss you for 12 months, or a lifetime.
Every knock at the door - my heart ends up in my throat.
Every unknown phone call - I'm afraid to answer, yet know I have to.
Going on vacation, means packing up my husband's will, along with a bunch of other legal documents and notifying our FRG of my temporary address, incase that dreaded visit needs to be made.
It means wondering each day, how I would handle that visit, and trying to prepare myself for the ultimate worst, while still praying for the best.

It is true, that I knew what I was signing up for. When we married, I knew Nathan was going active duty, and that deployments were inevitable. But like every situation in life, there are so many things that you can't even imagine.. until you are thrust into said situation.

So, when I say you don't get it, I'm not trying to be rude. I'm only trying to save myself from the frustration that comes when you turn white and don't know what to say when I tell you we've received a red message, and explain to you what that means. When I'm snappy or cranky, I'm not being a bitch. When you catch me crying, and I tell you that I'm fine, I'm not trying to hide anything from you.

Finally, this isn't my pity list for you to feel bad at what I'm going through, and this isn't some competition to see who has it worse. It is a reminder that everyone - military, civilian; teenager, or senior citizen - is going through something. Everybody has bad days and is entitled to them without having to explain the reasoning to others. And just as you don't know what I'm going through - I don't know what you may be going through.

Empathy and mutual respect are the keys.