Ell Oh Vee Eee

Week 6 started without me even noticing..

I'm not sure if it is a good thing, or a bad thing that things have been running so smoothly without Nathan. It is obviously good for my stress level, and good for me emotionally. But there is still this small piece of me that wonders if there is something wrong with me.

OF COURSE I miss my husband. Not a minute goes by that I'm not thinking about him, wondering what he is doing, how he is feeling, or if he needs anything. I still pick up my phone to text him and get upset when I can't. But it just seems too easy. No crying, no binging [except for on Coach.. I got a text from the PX today that they have a new selection of Coach purses/shoes/etc online.. too bad I've already met my limit for the year. Dang you Cali friends! And Nathan.. if you're reading this.. I love you ;)].

I've heard before that you can look at a woman whose husband is deployed and JUST KNOW. Tonight I'm wondering if this is true for me. Everyone seems so shocked when they hear that he is gone, and a couple of times I have gotten that look. You know, the look - Like I should be ashamed of myself. Like I shouldn't be at the gym. Recently I feel like people judge me. Like my life going on is a sign that I don't love my husband.

Well, I do.

In fact, I love my husband enough for my life to go on. I love him enough to put myself aside, and take care of things. I love him enough to take care of our children, our finances, our marriage, and myself. And tonight I decided I didn't have anything to feel guilty about. There is nothing wrong with me. In fact, I feel like this is a damn good thing, considering Nathan wants to make this into a career.

I love my husband enough that he doesn't have to put his dream on hold or to rest because his wife can't handle it. And I know that he would if I couldn't. That is how our relationship works - lots of checks and balances.

So tonight, I want to try to put my feelings into words.

Bethany's Love Theory 101

I love my children. From the moment I knew there was life inside me, I loved them with every beat of their microscopic hearts. I will even say I loved them before then, because I always looked forward to the day I would become a mom. I will never stop loving them - they are a part of me, literally, and there is nothing that they could do to change the way I feel about them. I learned this from the best teacher in the world, my mother.

Same for Nathan. I chose to love him, support him, marry him. And we chose to join together for eternity. I strongly believe in 'two shall become one'.

I'm not saying I'm in love with him. I am, but my feelings go much deeper. I also love him, the good and the bad. I love the way he sings, how soft his hands are, the way he loves our children, the way he makes me feel, that he supports me. I love how he misspells words like 'lissoning'. I love him when he makes mistakes; I love him for his mistakes. I love him when he irritates me. In fact, I miss having him standing behind me in the kitchen throwing random things into what I'm cooking and giving me un-wanted advice. I miss him tracking dirt onto my freshly swept and vacuumed floors because it takes too long to remove his boots. I even miss picking up his dirty underwear and wet PT clothes every morning after he showers.. Well, almost :)

I know he would never hurt me. But if he does, I know that I could and would forgive him. I truly want the best for him, and that is why my life hasn't hit a standstill since he left. Right now, no stress is what is best for him. If me being happy for the next year puts his mind at ease and allows him to focus on his job, then I win, on both accounts.

In my eyes, you can fall in and out of love. And while I hope we don't over the next 137+ years of our marriage ;), I know that our love will get us through those rough patches. Love, real love, is ALWAYS enough.

I am in no way trying to compare myself to God, but I do try everyday to mirror His love for me in my love for my husband, and my family.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Because I love him, I will respect him. I will do my best to give him what he wants, and I will stick by his side no matter what he does. I will fogive him, be patient with him, listen to him, console him, laugh with him. I will move accross the country with him every three years so he can pursue his dreams. I will spend years being the sole caregiver, diaper changer, referee, chef, and chaueffer for our children. I will hold them, console them, and remind them of their daddy and his love for them. I will wipe tears and kiss boo boos, answer tough questions, and count down the days until they see him again.


I in no way want this to sound like loving him is a burden on my part. I know that he would and will do everyone of these things for me. I could never not do these things, because I was created for this purpose.

I didn't just marry a man I could live with. I didn't marry a man I couldn't live without.I married the man that I have made the decision to love - truly, deeply, forever. My love is not selfish.

I am so glad to have found the true meaning of love and I am very lucky to have found my Soulmate at such a young age. I am even more lucky to have my love reciprocated.

I love you Nathan, and I know great things are happening between us, even with the distance. Even though I don't see how I could love you more than I do today, I know that I will. Tomorrow, and the next day, and every day after as long as I shall live. LOFYL.

To my followers, I hope you can understand my views, or at least respect them. If you made it this far, kudos :) and if you feel as if you have learned something along the way, even better.