Whirlwind of emotions.. Can you keep up?

One day I will write a blog that contains one emotion for the whole day. Today, however, is not that day.

My day started off with a knock at the door, aka a military wife's biggest fear and biggest pet peeve. It was my friend Kayla, and I forgive her for the mini-heart attack she caused. It was a late start to the morning, because as usual I was editing my little heart out until about 3AM. I'm not sure why I do this everynight, because I am always cranky when I get off to a late start. Then again, if I don't stay up until my eyes will no longer stay open, I lay and bed and think for hours, eventually falling into a fitful sleep.. and I still wake up cranky. I'll take the deep sleep with no nightmares, please :).

After the morning diaper changes I rushed to get everything ready to take pictures of Brayden, my nephew. This was an adventure in itself.. Three kids, and only one other set of hands.. yeah, we were probably asking for disaster. My general rule of thumb is at least one set of hands per child for pictures, preferrably two. Surprisingly, things went pretty smoothly.

Brayden was in a very serious mood (which he totally pulled off cute pictures even without smiles!) and Hallie was the cranky one. I would say that she normally isn't, but it has become the norm over the last 2-3 months. [Had to leave at the most convenient time, didn't ya honey? ;)] Kyle was completely relaxed, as usual. The little stinker even sat up perfectly on his own for the pictures! Yet just an hour ago, when I tried to show his Mamaw his new achievement, he wouldn't do it. He is definitely his father's son lol.



Anyway, I had a great time taking Brayden's pictures, and getting to visit with him. Here is a sneak peek

Back to Hallie's tantrums.. they eventually ended when Brayden was out of the tub.. only because Hallie was splashing in it. Okay, its keeping her happy, I'll let her go for it. Oh, if kids were only that simple..

This...

Turned into this...

And finally... This. She's lucky she is so stinkin' cute!

Yes, she climbed in, clothes and all. I just didn't have the heart to stop her, and my hands were too busy snapping these adorable pictures. And she knew it.. I swear this child knows how to model. And she also knows that candid style shots are my favorites.

Just a recap.. so far we've hit: scared, peeved, cranky, surprised, and awe with my gorgeous children and the way they make my heart swell.

This of course brings me to sorrow, for a few reasons. First, time is going too fast - Kyle will be 6 months old this month! Second, Nathan isn't here to share these moments with me. I still forget that I can't contact him when I feel like it. This reminder brings in a bit of joy, because I remember there are positive things coming out of this deployment. For example, I will never take our relationship, his safety, or his presence for granted again.

It also brings great pride, because I am so proud of my husband.

Today, on Military Spouse Appreciation Day, I'm hoping that he is 1/100th as proud of us as we are of him. Making my husband proud is just another one of the reasons I've been so strong for the last weeks. [Sunday marks the end of week six <3] And I will continue to be strong for the next 10.5 months.

Really? We have that much time left? Bring on the stress. Some days, I think 'Wow, a month down already!' and some days I think 'Really, only a month down?!' Today was definitely starting out to be a 'only one month down?!' day... Luckily, I have also learned during this deployment that you control your outlook.

My attitude quickly changed when I reminded myself of all of the things I have going on in the coming months.. Picking back up with my photography, and launching my website.. dipping into weddings [ONE WEEK UNTIL BOLDT CASTLE <3].. a reunion with my battle buddy and her kiddos.. many shopping and splash park trips now that NY is un-frozen.. another visit to MO, a visit to Arkansas, and Louisiana, and hopefully a visit to CALI... R&R.. More shopping.. Holidays and birthdays.. I could go on and on. And this, once again, makes me proud of myself. I remember getting sick to my stomach at the thought of the word deployment. I never would have dreamed I would have so much going on to keep me busy and help me grow. It also makes me excited. I have so many good things happening for me, and I can't wait to see where everything goes.

If you've kept up this far, go take a tylenol and a five minute break before I finish up with my last two emotions of the day.

Ya good?

Here goes:

This is my last weekend in Missouri. Knowing this brings excitement, fear, and guilt. Okay, I lied. THREE emotions :)

Excitement because I miss my home and my military family, and I can't wait to get back. It feels as if life has been put on hold for this extended visit, and I am so excited to get back into the routine that works best for us. In the comfort of our home.. the home I have shared with my husband and kids for a year now. Excitement because this means time is still moving forward, and I am that much closer to being wrapped in my husbands arms again. Excitement because I will be able to BREATHE again! I won't have to plan my trips to the gym around other peoples' schedules. I won't be this frazzled because of past memories with others.

Fear because I'm afraid to make this drive on my own, but mainly because of the threat level on post. Damn terrorists!! I hate living in fear, especially in a place that I chose to live so I wouldn't be afraid. [This obviously angers me, but that is a given]. Fear because I see no end in the near future. My children will never know a childhood without war and hatred.

Guilt because I know my children will miss my family here. And I know it kills my parents.

All in all, I know I'm making the right decision, and it is time for me to head home. I can only take so much of this place at once, and I have met my limit with ex-lover drama.

I'm choosing to end this blog, and this day with excitement to go home, and the decision to make the best of the time I do have left here with my family until our next visit.