Thing I Never Imagined

I woke up to this morning to an email that made my heart stop and my body go numb.
As I slowly drifted back to reality, I began shaking and crying for the second time this deployment. Partly fro.m fear and the reality of the situation, and partly because I was relieved.
It was the second part that made me feel sick to my stomach; Made me feel like a monster.
How could this news actually bring me relief?


These thoughts have run through my head many times since this journey started, and I'm sure they will continue for years to come. Today I took the time to think of all of the crazy emotions/feelings this has brought out, and I was shocked at all of the vivid feelings I experience daily that I never could've imagined before.

And since I keep getting 'empathy' that makes me want to SCREAM at people that they DON'T get it.. I had to get my emotions out.

I'll start with some of the lighter things..
Since I started this blog, I've had quite a few comments about how good my writing is/trying to get published. I'm still not a big fan of my writing, especially when I hack it out on here.. but I am glad people enjoy it.
I NEVER imaged I would be called a good writer.. especially since I actually failed the first semester of my English class.. Just another thing I never thought would happen.. So not like me.
And the reason I failed.. another one of those things.. I owe a big part of that to Nathan.. my secret crush for over a year.. The thought of ever speaking to him was laughable to me. And marrying him.. that was actually somewhat of a joke between me and my friends. Yeah, he's a catch ;) This was the beginning of our love story, and I was more concerned with texting him and spending late nights with him than doing my work... Don't follow in my footsteps lol.

So, I never thought I'd be married to Nathan. I never thought I would have two kids as a teenager. I never thought I would be so open.. (If you know me, you can probably see how much of a different person I have became in the last year; More specifically the last months..) And I never thought being so open would get me compliments.

I never thought I would be married to a military man. I never thought I would be living in New York. I never thought I would have to go through the hell/odd beauty of a deployment. - All of the reasons I started the blog and became so open.

Not only has the D-Word brought about this blog, it has brought on all of these emotions that would make me seem evil in any other circumstances.

How can I love someone who spends as much time away as he does with us?

How can I uproot my family and my life every few years?

How can I say goodbye to my best friend, my love?

How can I raise two children alone for months at a time?

How can I watch my husband prepare a will, and discuss the 'what ifs' knowing good and well that it is necessary, all while praying that it never has to be touched?

How can I have such a strong bond to these women that I have only just met?

How can the mini-chat picture of some guy I've only met a handful of times put my mind at ease?

How can one phone call sustain me for days... And how does the next always come at the perfect time?
How can I function on hours of sleep?
How can I function at all?
How could I survive if tragedy strikes?
How can the death of a human make me rejoice? (Osama.. just saying..)

How can an injury, or loss of a limb by some innocent person bring relief?

How can I find relief in seeing a name I don't recognize in those dreaded messages

And now you're wondering:
How could she put myself through this? Her kids? 
How?
It isn't easy, but just the thought of our homecoming makes it worth it. Knowing that my husband is securing your freedom, makes it worth it.
Or you're thinking:
You signed up for it.
Perhaps I did.. I married him by choice, but how could I not? I knew it would be easy.. But I didn't realize the whole scheme of things. You can't, until you're in it.
And I hope you're not thinking that my final thoughts make me a monster.


I hope you enjoyed the sneak peek into my brain.. And I hope you understand why I may have gotten/may get snippy with those who tell me 'I'll be fine' or 'they understand' or my favorite - those who say nothing at all. I hope you understand why I sometimes seem emotional, or even a little crazy - I am! And I think it is understandable.

Most of all, I hope you have thought about the seriousness of the situation. Not my situation, the situation as a whole. It seems to me like the more time that passes, the less people remember that we are in the middle of a war. You don't hear about it as much, and too many sacrifices go unnoticed. Please, don't forget. And please, don't stop praying.

They need it.
We need it.
I need it.