Where Are You?

Blah. That is how I feel today. After yesterdays news it was a struggle to just smile today.  When I say this hit way too close to him, I mean exactly that. I don't say this to be disrespectful. My heart hurts for everyone in his life, just as it does each and everytime I see a new casualty pop up on icasualties.We have been so lucky so far with our unit and our company.. and  I was starting to feel like they are invincible. This reminds me that they aren't, and to never, ever stop praying for their safety.

First, I can't walk. Well, not very well. It is crazy that one 20 minute workout did this to me! I'm more sore than after childbirth. So every diaper change (and we set a record for dirty diapers today..) has literally killed me. Each trip across the room I'm fighting with my legs to not give out. I know I know, it could be worse, but can't I have one day to not be so optimistic?

Second, I fought through the pain this morning to SLOWLY clean the house. And within an hour, that went to hell. Not just toys everywhere (which they are) but another pile of dirty laundry from Kyle. Yogurt on the couch, desitin in the carpet, popsicle on the floor etc from Hallie.

It honestly seems like I can't catch up.. and when I do, I find 50 more things to do.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm ready for a break.

Funny that we are three months in, and it is so hard to get one.

I can't help but think back to the beginning.. when everyone was going to take turns visiting..  so I was always either home, headed home, had someone here, or had someone on their way.

All I can think is: Where are you now?

So, as of today.. I'm tired of being disappointed.

I can't wait to go home and try to make 'new friends' with the people that have been my support since this began.

On second thought, maybe they aren't really new.. Maybe I just had the definition of friend wrong.

I just want to share this message, the most recent one I've gotten. Just another reason for me to cry last night..
I want to make a collection of the emails I have received. And to those of you sending them, you will never know how much they mean and how much they have helped.

THIS IS SUPPORT.

Bethany, 
I know you don't know me very well and that's okay, but I have read every single blog you've ever posted. I have also saw every picture you have ever uploaded. Not that I'm crazy or trying to stalk you or anything, but I think that you are the perfect role model for any woman struggling. I look at your pictures and I can tell that your family is thriving and you can literally see all of the love and joy in your photos. It might be a little silly, but your family is beautiful! I never thought when you were pregnant your senior year during softball that you didn't want coach to know because you didn't want him to be disappointed in you. If coach could see your children he would be so proud of you. I don't know what it's like to be with a man in the military. I don't think you put yourself in that position. Anyone who does doesn't know what love is like. You can't help who you fall in love with. It's because you love him that you're doing this WITH him. You are holding up so well. I can't ever imagine being as strong as you in any situation similar to yours. I mean, I was away from ***** for months at a time but I knew he was safe! You go on with your daily life as best as you can and you are SO good at it. I read your status' and I don't think "poor bethany" like some of these people. I think wow, Bethany. You're just as much of a hero as Nathan. You're always trying to better yourself for your babies, which are BEAUTIFUL by the way!, and for your husband. He may not be able to be with you right now..but I know he is counting down the days until he gets to stand next to you and look at his wonderful life with you. You are very brave Bethany Payne. You're children will always look at you as super mom, and the people who just happen to cross paths with you will see you as a person with courage and outrageous amounts of love for her family. Stay strong. You always have people to lean on, even when they aren't visible in your every day life. Remember that when you feel like you can't go any farther..